Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Vile Underbelly For $99.99 a Month (Satire) by Wendy Parker

The Vile Underbelly For $99.99 a Month
by Wendy Parker

In the recent forced conversion from trusty (and free) rabbit ears to pay cable and digital programming, an entire world of extremely specific and possibly litigious television channels have become available for my viewing pleasure. I have discovered television channels about television channels. There are entire networks dedicated to the extremely important issues of undiagnosed medical conditions caused by the ingestion of phlegm and the heartbreak of head lice among baby warthogs. There are endless streams of commercials about drugs and their disabling side effects, and not one part of the human anatomy is left private or sacred.

I became trapped in a never-ending vortex of food-you-wouldn't-even-try-to-cook-but-like-to-watch-other-people-cook and the benefits of colon cleansing being broadcast on the same channel, back to back, hour after hour. I have it on good authority that it's in violation of the Geneva Convention to carry out such torture, and of course, the matter is being looked into as we speak.

Among the swirling abyss of pointlessness, there are several venues dedicated to what some people call comedy. I became transfixed by one of these portals straight from hell the other night and was enlightened to the fact that drunk people will laugh at absolutely anything.

Obtain a camera and someone willing to get slammed in the private parts with a Volkswagen while being filmed and presto! You’ve got a prime time comedy special. If you care to frankly discuss vile personal habits involving toe nails and having sexual relations with a chicken while intoxicated and driving a school bus full of mentally challenged children to church, then by God you’ve got a series and two movie deals.

I was more than a little annoyed and a somewhat concerned that so many people seem to think it’s the height of hilarity to live in a trailer. Everyone knows that living in a trailer affords you the privilege of not having to wear your tin foil hat while reclining in your LayZ Boy.

It is also widely rumored that people who live in trailers will be the only ones to survive the alien invasion planned for 2013. When asked for comment, organizers of said invasion claim this to be slanderous rumor and innuendo, but it's common knowledge that you can’t trust anything a filthy alien says.

As I continued to flip through the seven-hundred channels (all for just 99.99 a month) I realized the incredibly dangerous implications of these specialized forums.

One show encouraged me to rent and use a nail gun that has the ability to shoot a nail approximately the size of a steak knife with the deadly force of a .22 caliber handgun. The only safety rule involved was to ‘be sure to use protective eye wear'.

I’m assuming this is to protect your eyes from the shattered glass of your neighbors’ front picture window. You might also want to include ear plugs so that you won’t have to listen to the anguished cries of the mailman after you nail him in the skull while attempting a simple shingle repair on the roof, which is at least twenty feet from the ground.

Never any mention of the deadly force gravity may have upon your spleen should you fall off the roof while inadvertently murdering a federal employee with the rented nail gun. I did check with the Home Depot though, and you definitely do not get your deposit back if someone dies while using a contracted weapon of destruction from their establishment.

This all being said, I still cannot seem to tear myself away from the old channels, the ones that we could get for free in the good old days (2008).

I always meander back to whether or not Nick and Sharon will ever be a couple again and all of the fantastic douche and diaper commercials that come with them. I still get a thrill when I hear the opening music for the Johnny Carson Show (yes I know the name has changed – leave me to my fantasy) and I still wonder why any bodily fluid represented in advertisements is blue. I’ve contacted the authorities on bodily fluids, but they were all absorbed at the time and will get back to me at a later date when I, of course, will explain it to you. I know, and you're welcome.

Author bio:

Wendy is a practicing LPN in rural Ohio. In her spare time she writes, plays with her dogs and collects rejection letters. She has been published in Flash Fiction Offensive, Funny Times Magazine, and numerous other publications that are too awesome to name (mostly because they are imaginary). Her views on daily life are somewhat skewed, but that's because she's blind in one eye.

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