Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Notes on Fifty Dollar Popcorn (Satire) by Wendy Parker

Notes on Fifty Dollar Popcorn
by Wendy Parker

Due to incessant begging and whining on the behalf of children that I am related by blood to, I recently made my regular half-decade visit to the hometown movie theater. I have since had to make many trips to the local plasma bank to sell off parts of my personal self in order to cover the exorbitant expense of this venture; so much of the information contained below may be either unimportant or fabricated. This would be due to the loss of available oxygenated blood cells in my body and in no way reflect the fact that I could possibly be a filthy liar and suffering from near exsanguination.

Being the extremely careful and borderline anti-social person that I am, it's a near certainty to me that anyone I am not related to by blood or fairly close affiliation may be potentially dangerous and is likely operating undercover for the Taliban, or at the very worst, a Republican.

This being said, it should be plainly obvious to anyone that a movie theater is the very last place on By God earth that I would want to go.

Attending a room full of strangers in the light of day is disconcerting enough; it is absolutely beyond comprehension to consider willingly inserting myself and loved ones into a crowd of two hundred people in a dark, dirty closet of a room. The zombie attack potential alone is astronomical, not to mention the filthy infiltrator factor.

The fact that we not only willingly participated in this, but also paid roughly the amount of the national debt of Paraguay in order to do so is something that is currently being looked into by the authorities as we speak. (Said authorities being Mary Hart of Entertainment Tonight).

It’s been leaked by a reliable source that the League of Starving Starlets have actually discovered a brain cell between them and hired an evil computer nerd to use the only reliable source of information out there, the web, to brainwash all of humanity into paying more for a trip to the movies than we would for a small coastal village.

When contacted, there was no comment available from the L.O.S.S. due to the fact that there was an accidental pizza delivery to their lair and a brawl ensued. It is rumored that the delivery boy sustained grievous injury to his male person, but until video of it shows up on Youtube it is considered wild slander and innuendo.

My greatest concerns are not the financial, but the public health issues involved in this whole sordid affair. The continuous reuse of cloth-covered chairs without extensive delousing between each sitting is an epidemic waiting to happen. I have it on good authority that the entire population of a small town in Arkansas was forced to shave their heads, eyebrows and other assorted hairy areas due to a body vermin infestation that started at the local motion picture venue. Said residents have refused comment, but it has been noted that hat, styptic pencil and thong underwear sales have increased tenfold in their demographic area.

Needless to say, I escaped the horror of the whole thing vermin free and without incident from the various miscreants lurking in the dark confines.

Of course before I was able to extricate myself from the building, I was compelled to buy a fifty-dollar tub of popcorn that had enough artificial melted butter in it for an otter to swim comfortably. The twelve actual kernels of popcorn that clung fiercely to the waxy bucket were soggy and burned, completing a disgusting swill that cost more than a surf and turf dinner. The implications of snack bar abuse are currently being investigated(by none other than Mario the 5th Avenue hotdog vendor from Bangor, Maine), and as soon as I have concrete facts to report, you can bet I will. I know, and you’re welcome.

Author bio:

Wendy is a practicing LPN in rural Ohio. In her spare time she writes, plays with her dogs and collects rejection letters. She has been published in Flash Fiction Offensive, Funny Times Magazine, and numerous other publications that are too awesome to name (mostly because they are imaginary). Her views on daily life are somewhat skewed, but that's because she's blind in one eye.

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