War is Peace: Obama's REAL Nobel Peace Prize Speech (Satire) by Alison Ross

War is Peace: Obama's REAL Nobel Peace Prize Speech
by Alison Ross

I am deeply humbled by the bestowal unto me of this, the Nobel Peace Prize. In fact, I am chagrined by it and do not feel I should accept it. And millions of others feel I am undeserving of the prize as well. Besides, of course, the kool-aid swilling Democratic and progressive automatons who delusionally believe I uphold liberal values when my record positively screams the contrary.

But hey - who looks at records anymore? It's all about IMAGE. And because I am bi-racial and have an exotic name that evokes terrorism in the minds of primitive neo-cons, and because I am eloquent, unlike that illiterate backwater honkey, GW Bush, and because my children are adorable and my wife has savvy fashion sense and an unthreatening manner (because that's what we cherish in our women - attractiveness and the ability to shut up), and because I talk a good talk about progressive values while behind closed doors cut sordid deals that sell-out the people again and again, and because, finally, I am NOT GW Bush, I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize. So naysayers can STFU, mmkay?

But I digress. Because I can, because I am the president of the United States, and we'll kick your pansy-ass if you defy us.

But here is a list of REAL reasons I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize, even as I am chagrined to accept it because deep down I concede that I don't deserve it. But I think you will find that these accomplishments listed below actually serve to PROMOTE peace, thereby validating my meriting of the Nobel Peace Prize even as I know in the dark recesses of my subconscious that I should repudiate it and give it to someone more authentically aligned with the principles of peace:

Guantanamo Bay - I promised to shut down this American gulag. But I have not done so. Because really, I was just trying to placate the duped liberals who so vociferously supported me in my campaign. Because, in reality, I believe that people should be tortured. It's the American Way, dammit! From the malodious mistreatment of Native Americans to the vicious enslavement of imported Africans to the ruthless invasion and bombardment of countless countries, Americans have enjoyed a fine legacy of torture.



Plus, I have it on authority that techniques like anal probing ensure peace. I know because the torture-mongers told me so. After anally probing a youth who was recruited by the Taliban (which exists because we helped create it during the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan in the 1980s), he initially wails in torment. But his ensuing silence, through fear or death, guarantees a more peaceful environment for everyone.

And, of course, some of the detainees at Gitmo - indeed perhaps many of them - are likely innocent, but torture guarantees that they will shut up and put up, enabling us to pursue our lives in a more peaceful manner.

The Escalation of the War in Afghanistan - Troop surges create peace because when entire populations are annihilated, no one is alive to protest the war or howl in despair. Dead people are a peaceful people.

Drones - America's use of drones in Pakistan and elsewhere could not be a more peace-promoting tactic. What better way to stay I love you than by sending pilot-less remote-controlled aircraft to bomb the fuck out of poor, hapless populations? "Automated, Anonymous Greetings to You - Now Die, Innocent Civilian!" Kaboom.

Wall Street Bailout - Instead of punishing the rapacious greed-cretins of Wall Street for deliberately financially raping millions of Americans by various means (the centerpeice of which is the devasating mortgage crisis, engineered so thoughtfully and meticulously), I showered them with ubridled affection. I coddled these corporate robots with MORE American taxpayer funds so that they can continue fucking your average Joe and Jane up the ass repeatedly, with relentless abandon. Peace out, proletariat!

Healthcare - Single payer healthcare is SO wimp-ass bohemian hippie socialist welfare-state. What we really need is something that will bring peace to the INSURANCE COMPANIES! And what could be more peace-propagating than FORCING 30 million more Americans to purchase shabby corporate healthcare plans? That way, fatcat execs will explode with obese affluence, which makes them happy and restful. Go ME!

These are just a few of the sundry accomplismhments of my first year in office, and I think you will agree that the path to pure pacificism is adorned with the ornaments of torture, bombardment, financial ruin, and enslavement to corporate dominance.

Never mind that the likes of The Dalai Lama have won the prize in the past... you know, that Tibet dude with the beatific smile? And that there are thousands of other potential candidates alive today - political prisoners, those who toil tirelessly for peace - who could have nabbed the prize and made REAL progress toward pacificistic values.

Of course, the Nobel Peace Prize is a crassly political prize anyway, with nominees being chosen more to soothe egos than to promote peace.

But still, I deserve it... on the surface, anyway, because I am half-black and have a menancing name to the right-wing nutjobs, and because I am not George W. Bush, and because I talk a sturdy talk while walking a wobbly walk, and because I have so much progressive promise but choose to squander it in favor of placating the mythical middle (which will backfire anyway, because it always does), and because, finally, war and torture and greed are peaceful principles, if you spin them the right way.

God Bless America, the only country that matters.