Flash fiction by Christopher Capelluto

Two stories
by Christopher Capelluto

At this Rate

At this rate fuck won’t be a curse word.
At this rate the words "homie" and "play hater" will replace "Friend"
and "my boss" respectively.
This is a rate which is growing exponentially. The decay that is a
downward slope on the charts labeled "Ethics in the world" vs "Time"
is growing more slanted by the second.
Time is never the dependent on a graph. You know that.
Meet Elie he works at the "At this Rate" Department part of the newly
out of developmental stage and into the ready to operate departments
that work for and answer straight to the government. I say "the" government
Because at this rate there will be only one government left by the year 2018.
Hi Elie...the straight up playa hater which at your rate that means "the boss"
of the "At This Rate" Department.

Elie has trouble telling by this time if what’s happening happened or
what’s happened is still happening as he works reverse rates all the time
to see if he ends at the right conclusion.
For example for argument sake simply to explain reverse rates, if the year is 1960-
at what rate will we reach the moon?
We know what the answer is already. Figure it out how did it happen
add up the factors plus the variables times the time. Time is never
the dependent. Equals the rate. It took years to reverse calculate
that rate at that rate it would take decades to know many answers to
anything. Which is why Elie asks only the important ones.
Such as, At what rate will the current war lose public support and when will the Iphone go out of style?
That's right corporations and governments asking the questions getting the answer:
3 Times earths revolution around the sun and 2 moon revolutions around
the earth. The answers always work in astronomy; ask Elie he'll tell
you it has something to do with time never being dependent.
Take the answer to the top levels and prepare.
Quell the riot before it even takes place.

Take Elie he uses the equations the “At this Rate” calculations
to find out not what his playa hater want to know
instead: what he wants to know.
At what rate will the world end?
"Oh, God!" said Elie even though he knew God had been outlawed years ago.
At this rate schools will be outlawed.
Elie knows he needs to change something. A factor maybe? He needs to change
the rate definitely. Elie begins to sweat at a tremendous rate.
Don't hate the playa hate the game. Playa hata. His kid won’t even be
12 before the word ends, his kid will die a virgin. As if that's the worst part
and yet it’s the only thing Elie can think of; the horror of his little boy dying
a virgin. He has to act now he needs to do something drastic and dangerous.

Meet Joey he’s the new boss for the “At this Rate" department after the
last playa hater, Elie, went “bat shit insane” assassinating
several heads of government and large corporations which Elie claimed would one
day, in the year 2019, rule their little garage developmental stage
project that hoped to one day predict all rates. Elie left a note on his last night
Claiming the "At This Rate" project had worked. That it told him the rate at which the "At
This Rate" project would work then told him a rate that the future
"At This Rate" project would calculate the world to end. Poor Elie.
Thought Joey to himself as he punched in variables and factors into the
"At This Rate" equations. Joey, always expecting another dead end.
His question "At what rate will the world end?"
Wait...was it working? It was... It was working out. The word fuck would at
this rate no longer express the terror when Ed saw the answer was less
than one earth rotation around the sun. Barely dealing in moons.
He needed to do something drastic…
“Time” vs “Humanity”
Looking at the night sky at the method, the way the At This Rate
will calculate time, nobody takes the time to realizes time is actually
the dependent in the graph.

+++++++++++++++++++++

JUMP JUMP JUMP

Let’s make some time go by, let’s make some time-
Skip, past the stars, stars; Gods cosmic middle finger to the earth.
Everyone needs to know how everything works.
"I could tell you how everything works" said the gang.
"I could tell you how everything works" said the clergyman.
"I could tell you how everything works" said the politician.
"I could tell you how everything works" said the scientist.
Which fool am I?

Lets stop some time let’s make time stop, stop lets-
reevaluate time, time to move on stop looking back, Lets kick some time to the curb.
Yeah curb stop time.
Picture this, someone dead.
Got that picture?
Snap. Ca-click, photoshopped then uploaded.
They died trying their best to jump over- Wait. Screw "They" “their” it’s not the ustedes "you all" general terms.
Its "him", "he", masculine, take two-
He died trying his best to jump over a fence into his pool.
He's ugly. Not just because of the fence post that is impaled through his forehead.
The police officer, he shakes his head. Tisk-tisk.
Stop rewind. Let’s go back and unwaste time lets go smoke some heavy weed.
Of the cannabis type. He did. Right before he jumped.
At least he tied his sneakers but he’s not wearing pants or a shirt.
He’s nude besides the tied sneakers. Why?
Stop rewind ten years that's 120 months that's 5184000
minutes and you’re being yelled at by your dad or maybe its your mom
they're being unfair you're crying. "You're" "They're" "We" "Lets"
general you all, displace blame, it’s the word used to deny association
with. When really its "Me" "I" "Me" and "I" "us".

"JUMP JUMP JUMP"
He jumps.
Close the dead, rotting jumpers staring wide open eye lids for him.
Why?
"For dignity, can you stop busting my balls? Why are you even here?" said the cop.
"I could tell you how everything works" said the law.
look at the pole going through his dome look at him naked hanging there.
Blood splattered coagulated, red not the shade you'd expect
bits of pink not the color you'd think. Dignity he says.
He’s got a pole through his head he’s dead. He lost his dignity when he
tied those shoe laces.
When he jumped.
I told the cop why I'm here: "They asked me to help"

Look past the giant finger in the sky, see clearly.
Transport to his room. Why did he decide not to wear clothes?
Look past it this time look past time, WAIT.
Saw past seeing through the trick only for an instant.
Enough to see. He didn't wear his pants because a girl was in the pool skinny dipping.
she shouts "JUMP JUMP JUMP"
Chanting it now, it’s a party and the Jumper, he’s bored.
"Lets do some drugs, drinks or smoke something"
"Lets do something sexy, lets skinny dip"
"Great idea!"
"Sweet I'll be right back I'm ganna’ jump from the roof!"
"hahha dont do it --dd"
Can’t catch his name something ends it two d's Teddy? No.
She’s taking off her clothes now there are those tits that defy
gravity. Shame our boy dd cant do the same.
"Nah don't worry I do it ALL the time" said --dd.
He’s not lying he does do it all the time, sober. He shot guns a beer.

"JUMP JUMP JUMP"
He jumps. Face free fall.
Shoes tied?
Check
Intoxicated and bored?
Check
Necessary velocity to impale your dome?
Check.

In fact he did not know it but a jump from two feet lower would have
caused him only a concussion to the head. Fate, but that's boring. I'm
Bored let’s do some drugs lets pass some time lets make time skip-
Close his eye lids for dignity? He looks like a shiskabob.
Don't do it, it’s time to unwind rewind look past the great big Godly
middle finger in the sky where if you have even an once of faith, if
you measure faith in ounces because I do not, I measure it in faith
units, you'd take the leap of one faith units. Find out how it all
works.
"JUMP JUMP JUMP"
We jump.


Author bio:

Christopher Capelluto, a US army reserve Infantryman and civilian film student in NYC, is currently serving in Iraq. When incredibly bored he writes to relieve frustration or to receive free products from corporations with stories about their products.