Themed flash fiction by Match Ryan

Fool For A Client
by Match Ryan

Nah, ladies and gentleman of the jury, that wasn’t me on the videotape selling pot to the undercover cop. First and foremost, no pig out there can catch me. They’ve been trying to get me for years. I’ve never fallen for their tricks and never will.

Plus, I’m a big-time dealer. I don’t deal dime bags on the corner. I move mass quantities of quality stuff. I’m like the CEO of a major of a corporation.

If they really had me on the something, do you think I would have sat here and done nothing? Please. I’d have one of my boys snuff out Officer Johnson, have ‘em stop by his house and take out his wife and kids, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. As for the judge…a dead man, he’d be.

And no offense, but ladies and gentleman of the jury, your family would be attending your funeral about right now. Don’t take this as a sign of disrespect. It’s the opposite. You guys, and I’m not kissing butt here, but you’re an intelligent group of people. If I did something, you’d know about it. That’s why I’m letting you live.

Another thing that proves my innocence is the fact that I represented myself. I would have been an idiot to fire my court appointed lawyer. My innocence is so obvious that I didn’t need a lawyer. Shoot, if I really did it, I’d hire some high powered lawyer to come in here to trick all of you.

The good news is, and single ladies, I’m talking to you, I’ll be out of here in no time and I wouldn’t mind getting a girlfriend. Who knows? It could be you. I want you to know that I’ve got nothing against severely overweight women. It’s disgusting, but after a few beers, who cares? I’m usually drunk on the outside, so your grossness won’t be an issue.

And men, I’ve got some multi-million dollar deals to make. Let’s meet at a strip club, and I’ll introduce you to some of the nastiest whores you’ll ever meet. We’ll drink a lot of whiskey and shake hands over some money making deals.

I want you to know that I’m including Mr. Sanchez and Mr. Chen in this. I don’t want the irregular Americans feeling left out. I’ve got nothing against non-Americans, especially from their tribes or whatever you call their people. Sure, at one time I was a racist, but then I went to Vegas and hired this Mexican-Chinese hooker and that changed everything. Man, that girl was something. Funny thing is, I didn’t pay her afterwards unless you consider getting cussed out a form of payment.

You also need to know that I’m a Christian now. I couldn’t lie even I wanted to. It’s one of those things that’s against my religion. Bottom line: God’s commanding you to find me not guilty. I’d hate to be you on judgment day if you did find me guilty. You better obey the big guy if you know what’s good for you.

Even if I did lie, he’d send a lightning bolt through this courthouse to try and zap me. Of course, I’d step out of the way because I’m not the kind of guy that’s easy to catch. I have lots of tricks in my bag.

Maybe you’re saying God’s not real. Well, maybe none of this real, including what went down on that tape. That’s some deep shit. Some of you smart ones might want to explain that to some of the not-so-smart-ones because it proves my innocence and I don’t want the dumb ones feeling left out.

So, ladies and gentleman you have to find me not guilty. The law says you have to. There’s nothing you can do about it. Bam! I win again.

Do you realize this is eleventh time I’ve gone to jury trial for various crimes against the state and humanity? Once again, the state didn’t prove nothing except for the fact that I outsmarted them. I’m gonna walk out of a here a free man and there’s nothing you sons of bitches can do about it.


Author bio:

Match Ryan, who holds an MFA from Spalding University, is a professor of English at Concordia University in St. Paul, Minnesota. When not writing or teaching, he works as a fiction editor for Best New Writing. Match has never beat up an octogenarian who didn’t have it coming. The guy has a heart of gold. Unfortunately, he has a kidney with a terrible gambling addiction that squandered away said currency. So should you meet him, beers are you. Cool? He would also to like to meet a few acquaintances who’d be willing to die for his sins.