Monday, August 26, 2013

The Odyssey of Pastor Harold Schnabel by Donal Mahoney

Listen up! It's Deacon Simon here, 
reporting on Pastor Harold Schnabel,
the minister we long ago defrocked.
Remember how he went to Holland
years ago. Hard to believe but 
he's coming back a millionaire 
who made his money   
running a bordello for midgets 
with Peyronie's Disease
in downtown Amsterdam.

He hired his staff carefully, 
favoring double-jointed women who 
understand the geometry of angles, 
isosceles and otherwise. 
He's coming back to take advantage 
of an American Renaissance 
in porkpie hats. He says men 
will wear them once again 
this summer and possibly forever. 
It will be the same porkpie hat 

made famous by Buster Keaton,
the beloved comedian, 
who for years was chief custodian  
in Harold's congregation, long before 
we deacons finally defrocked him
for simony, calumny, 
heterosexuality and serial fraud.
Anyone who thinks Harold's wrong 
about an American Renaissance
in porkpie hats needs to remember

the startling success he's had 
running that bordello for midgets 
with Peyronie's Disease. 
The staff of ladies he recruited.
made Harold a millionaire.
We defrocked him for cause but 
he's an entrepreneur extraordinaire.
He knows midgets and porkpie hats. 
So, please, join me at the airport 
Sunday morning after services

so we can make Harold's return
to our beautiful city a boffo event.
He's giving out free porkpie hats
to everyone who comes to greet him.
And big discounts to all midgets
with Peyronie's Disease planning
a trip to Amsterdam this Spring
to admire--what else?--the tulips.
There will never be another Harold.
Let's welcome Pastor Schnabel home.   

Author bio: 

Nominated for Best of the Net and Pushcart prizes, Donal Mahoney has had work published in a variety of publications in North America, Europe, Asia and Africa. Some of his work can be found here:

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