Monday, August 26, 2013

Mein Yampf By San Monto

A long and enduring crisis has plagued our produce sections, our crispers, our farmer's market stalls… It is a plague that has brought our vegetable integrity and purity low by its degeneracy. I speak, of course, of the besotted, destructive, demoralizing, and nutrient poor organic produce. Organicism, a villainous doctrine preached by those vile defenders of vegetable impurity, has gained ever more adherents to its wretched and failed philosophy, propagating itself from mouth to mouth in the poisons its victims ingest. As we, the defenders of agricultural purity, must do, we must stand vigilant to guard the purity of the GMO! We must overturn the produce stands at supermarkets, the stalls of the farmer's markets, and viciously purge the kitchens of this scourge of weak plants that only weaken us all!
I know some of you are not aware of the dangers of the organic plant. "Why, some of them may look a little less than fresh, not as vibrant as the GMOs, but can be even a bit tasty. They might even be healthier." But that is the sinister trick of the organicists to lure you in with their impure, inferior food, thus weakening the untrammeled human spirit by denying him our nutrient superior ultra-fortified food. Do not heed their rampant lies! Their junk science! It is all a vicious plot to weaken the spirit of us all, to see us regress to the level of Prius-driving socialists with their solar paneled dreams and their privileging of the socially weak! 

The organicists say that our GMOs are potentially harmful to humans, animals and the environment. But they pass off their old wives' tales and superstitions as science! Their inconclusive results are just proof of their propaganda, and further proof that a steady diet of organic food leads to a softness of the brain! To their accusations that we are building a monoculture, and that our superior foods are wiping theirs out - how true they speak, but not intentionally! 

Yes, we aim to build a superior monoculture so that the slavish, degenerate races of carrots and corn can be wiped off the earth and no longer infect our croplands! Yes, our superior strains infiltrate their poor organic crops, for our strains are the dominant ones. I see no problem in this at all, for if we cannot raze their crops, then ve shall breed zem out! Our master race of alfalfa will end the sapline of their inferior, slow to ripen, easy to bruise, unappealing produce. The weak are always replaced by the strong!
Darwin's evolution, and Nietzsche's theory of the overfruit, have bequeathed to us the selective advantage of harnessing the biotechnological power to show mastery over the frailties of Nature! It is our scientific birthright!
Just as the Romans conquered the Greeks, the Christian Crusaders subdued the Muslims, Super Mario squashed Bowser, so, too, shall the organicists and their paltry produce be purged! 
Look at their weakling plants, how they swarm with vile insects and are choked with noxious weeds! Yet see our pristine rows upon rows of gleaming, herbicide-resistant corn and tobacco stand tall, the vibrant hues and firm textures of our tomatoes enhanced by the genes of the amphibian's skin! We are building an agribusiness legacy that will last 1000 years!
Look how we emancipate the farmer from the tedium of having to conduct lonely and frequently failed cross-breeding experiments, the back-breaking toil of constant weeding to no avail, the misery of a lower yield. We have created the farming utopia where the farmer need only sow the seeds we engineer, and the only small token of gratitude we ask in return for his gracious bounty is that he pay us a small royalty on these master seeds so that we may continue in our noble cause until every acre of cropland in the world knows the beauty of Nature perfected in our glorious image! Everyone prospers under our strong regime. Bigger harvests! More prosperity for all! And those wretched organicists would have us all scratch around in the dirt, becoming poorer and thinner with their subpar plants!
I am a man of deeds more than words. We let the organicists try to woo and bewitch the public with their poison pollen words, their reactionary sentiments, their antiquated beliefs that protect the weak and pathetic to the detriment of all. No, we prefer to take decisive action at the level of the gene and the superfarm. We have engineered the superfoods of the future, weeding out the inferior and keeping only the strong and noble. If a fruit does not ripen in time, we take it out and shoot it! We spare no mercy for the weak, for it is only natural that the weak are culled, as it is in Nature. But, as a man of deeds, let me enumerate what we have done just recently to secure our biotech destiny:

1. We have successfully engineered the Uber-Artichoke version 2.04: an artichoke that not only tastes like a deep-fried chicken nugget smothered in mozzarella and wrapped in bacon, but contains over 6,000% of the daily recommended intake of Selenium!

2. Marvel at our exciting new invention of the Gummy Apple: an apple crossed with the rubber tree and enhanced with silly putty to have the chewy texture of bubble gum, and the ability to instantly cure nasal detritus!

3. Feel inadequate about your manhood every time you see a banana? Rejoice at our new Micro-Banana with completely edible peel!

4. All of our kiwis are loaded with anti-fungal medicine and give off a small puff of Chanel number 5!

5. We have modified our popular ReapReady™ uber-ultra-mega-pesticide so that it will immediately liquidate anything with more than two legs! (please keep your pets and livestock at a safety perimeter of at least 1 km of the spraying area).

The weak governments of yesterday no longer impede us, for so many politicians have seen the Truth of our destiny! And those who have not seen the Truth have been made to serve our interests or lose their tentative grip on power. We are global! Hear the globalitarian chorus of the victorious soughing in the orderly skyscraper-tall corn rows, the heavy and commanding thump of prosperity as you buy our 100 pound eggplants, the quiet strength of our invincible wheat that can resist thermonuclear attack!

While the organicists have claimed mastery over the base values, we have mastery of the Great Gene. Be in awe as we splice and dice with conviction! Anything less is a sin against the Great Geneticist. So, it is our symbol of strength of the Swastikarrot that triumphs over the sickness of Nature left to its own confused devices. We throw our shoulders into the task appointed us by Destiny to reverse the devolution of nutrition. In closing, let me make a pledge to you all, my worthy consumers of the GMO which rises like a golden sun on the future:

A super spud in every pot!
AlfalfaPlus™ Macht Frei!
Heil Fuehrer-parsnip!

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