Satire by Alison Ross

Cool Whips and Rusty Chains: Presidential Perversions
by Alison Ross

I saw a bumper sticker the other day: Impeach Bush, Torture Cheney.

Sounds fair enough, but when I start my own bumper sticker company, I will make a sticker that reads: Whip Bush, Chain Cheney.

After all, impeachment is really too delicate a punishment for the man who has ordered the ravaging of two foreign lands (and working on decimating a third one), authorized the abject torture of prisoners and innocents, and generally plunged his own country into a quasi-fascist quagmire, complete with daily pissing on the poor and a nightly cuddle-fest with the rabidly rich. So instead of impeaching Bush and enduring all the related dour proceedings, we could simply use Bush as our whipping boy; we could zap him with all manner of whip-toys on his puny hirsute behind.

I’m thinking these whip toys might suffice:






And we will whip his butt silly because he has caused so much pain to so many, both here and in the Middle East, and we will make it so that he can't sit down on his lazy, despotic derrier. He will have to stand constantly, while assuming a bent-over "spank me I'm yours" posture, even when he is not being whipped. And then maybe, just maybe, Bush can relate to the misery he has inflicted on so many - the hundreds of thousands who have lost relatives or limbs in the Iraq and Afghanistan invasions, the millions of Iraqi refugees, the tortured prisoners and innocents, the countless Katrina victims, the millions whose jobs were outsourced, the senior citizens with reduced Medicare coverage, and so on.

And if he STILL can’t develop any semblance of empathy, then we can simply strap him to a board, and submerge him in a vat of Cool Whip. He will not drown, but he will practically choke on the cool creamy dessert topping. In other words, we will take pages from the Torture Textbook authored by BushCheney and endorse Cool Whip Boarding as a tastier alternative to Waterboarding. Yum!

And, of course, Cheney being the pesky puppeteer that he is, jerking the strings of the Demon-Child-in-Chief, deserves more than mere torture. Torture is for toddlers! No, what Cheney needs is to be chained up to a chain link fence and then forced to listen to the ghost of Lawrence Welk croon the classic Bowie tune, "Chain-Chain-Chain-Cheney" while Bowie looks on, solemnly intoning, "I'm Afraid of Americans."

And then it will start raining furiously and Welk and Bowie can chant, "The rain falls mainly on Cheney in chains." And then the chains and the fence will rust, and the rust will infect Cheney, and he will need a tetanus shot and we won't give it to him because he's screwed so many others out of healthcare.

Sadomasochism is back in style, folks, and what better way to herald the bright new age of whipping and chaining than to make BushCheney our S&M Poster Boyz?

Oops, I hope my outrageous rantings don't earn me a visit from Homeland Security.

Or is that Cumland Impurity?




Disclaimer: Clockwise Cat does not endorse torture of any kind. Oh, except torture related to Bush and Cheney. Then it’s okay cuz they’re like, evil and shit.