Monday, January 7, 2013

The Care and Maintenance of the Ninja by Laura Roberts

The care and maintenance of the ninja is relatively straightforward, though one dare not refer to it as “simple.” The ninja, like most mammals, survives on a steady diet of meat and vegetables, with the occasional salty or chocolatey snacks, and has been known to down several caffeinated colas in rapid succession, just for the thrill of it.
The ninja, like many of its fellow mammals, also requires a certain amount of nightly sleep. Though the average human often requires seven to ten hours, the skilled ninja is most often able to skate by on far less. Some suggest the ninja sleeps but four hours per night, while others claim that number is actually much closer to zero than one. Leaving these rhetorical quibbles aside, we soon find that the ninja is, though physically not very dissimilar from you or I, quite a beast of a different color.

The ninja quite frequently wakes at the ass-crack of dawn (i.e. the pre-dawn period, ranging somewhere between 3 and 4 AM, depending on the exact geographical location of said ninja, hemispheres on Earth being what they are, plus some accounting for the continuing changing of seasons, etc.), leaps from her bed or hammock (this is, of course, harder to do gracefully from a hammock, of course, those twisty buggers), and immediately begins scouting the area for danger. Once a preliminary perimeter is established, the ninja sets to work using all available tools to seek out signs of danger.

Ninjas have been known to utilize any and all of the following equipment in this quest:

television sets
cell phones
wired and wireless Internet connections
extra-sensory perceptions (ESP)
cable news networks (CNN)
cable sports networks (ESPN)
headphones with jerry-rigged antennae for long-distance tracking of animals (both human and non-human)
scuba gear
echolocation devices
high-frequency radio waves
infrared detectors
X-ray machines

Plus the average five senses of sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing that so-called “normal” humans often overlook in favor of more invigorating sensory distractions from all-too-dull day-to-day living.

Additionally, the ninja has several specialized weapons, which he employs on a day-to-day basis, including:

The pocket knife, aka the Swiss army knife (though the Swiss Army most certainly did not invent this knife, and if anything merely perfected it—or as some might argue, stole it—from the ninja);
Throwing stars of various sizes and metallic variations (there is some debate concerning the strength of steel vs. the non-stain-ability of stainless steel vs. the decaying beauty of copper as it ages);
The ever-important katana, or slashing sword;
The back-up wakizashi, for moments where double-fisted fighting maneuvers are required;
Nunchaku, for throttling and the extended beating of opponents—as well as showing off in front of lady ninjas

Along with a vast and varied arsenal of smoke bombs, hand grenades, firecrackers, and assorted smoking and/or exploding devices that shall take up far too much time to go on listing here.
Lest we forget, the ninja is also trained in classic hand-to-hand combat, with a knack for kicking, punching, leaping, thrusting, parrying, diving, gliding, sliding, hopping, jumping, skipping, crouching, bending and breaking in a fantastic variety of combinations. Armed with only his or her bare hands and feet, the ninja himself, in fact, qualifies as a deadly weapon, and ought to be (though rarely is) classified as such and registered with the appropriate police or other governing bodies. Concealed weapons notwithstanding, the ninja him or herself is considered to be deadly, and a force with whom to be reckoned, no matter who is doing the reckoning.

Author bits: 

Laura Roberts is the author of several humorous erotica ebooks, including The Montreal Guide to Sex ( The Vixen Files: Naughty Notes from a Montreal Sex Columnist ( She is also the author of the satirical novel Rebels of the 512 (, and is currently working on her second novel, Naked Montreal, inspired by her time in the Sin City of the North. You can read more of her dirty words at her blog,  Naked Montreal ( or follow her on Twitter @originaloflaura for daily updates.

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