Monday, January 7, 2013

Children Under the Influence by Rick Deitrick

Effects Of The Media On Back-To-School Clothes


MOTHER: Let’s see. We have your new underwear and socks. I bought you some shirts last week. Just a few more things, son, and we’re done. Here we are -- the Shoe Department. You’ll need some sneakers. These are very nice. They’re black with high tops. Just the way you’ve always liked them before.

BOY: No, Mom, over here. Look.

MOTHER: These are awful, Bobby. They’re purple and yellow and orange and they have these, I don’t know what on the sides and –

BOY: They’re Rocket Feet shoes, Mom, and those are foot-shaped lightning bolts on the sides.

MOTHER: Rocket Feet?

BOY: You know, “Rocket Feet -- The Movie.” He’s the superhero kid from the comics who pretends he’s a science nerd with painful bunions and all the kids at school make fun of him for being too smart and walking funny and are always trying to stomp on his feet and the girl he likes won’t talk to him because she thinks he’s a loser but one day the bullies steal the girl’s lunch money and run and they think they’re going to get away with it because they’re butt holes but the boy changes into his special super-sneakers and suddenly he’s faster and stronger than anybody in the whole school because now he’s “Rocket Feet” and he catches up with the bullies and smacks them down and somehow he looks real handsome with his Rocket Feet sneakers on so now the girl that used to laugh at him falls in love with him and French kisses him because he gets her money back and junk like that.

MOTHER: Oh, I see. Well, if they can do all that, I - I suppose we’ll have to get them.

BOY: Thanks, Mom. You’re the greatest.

MOTHER: Let’s go to the pants section. Here are some nice jeans. You always liked these before. And they last and last and –

BOY: No, Mom, over here. I want these.

MOTHER: But Bobby, these pants are tight bright red and there’s what looks like a long furry you-know-what hanging down the front and –

BOY: They’re “Pricky Fox” pants, Mom. All the righteous guys’ll be wearing them. See that boy over there?

MOTHER: I see him all right. But don’t you think you’d feel funny having a well – you know – drooping halfway to your knees?

BOY: No, Mom. That’s what’s so great about them. They make you look like “Pricky Fox.” The computer game character, Mom, you know. Pricky Fox and his buddy, Scarpuss the One-eyed Cat with a Limp, are high and hungry but they don’t have any money so they go to a nearby park and steal some picnickers’ picnic basket right from under their noses and the idea of the game is for you to pretend that you are Pricky and Scarpuss and you try to outrun the pack of angry picnickers and eat all the food from the basket before you’re caught and if you’ve got gazongas enough to win then Pricky Fox turns and smurks from the screen and says, “You’re a real Dick Weed, kid,” and then he winks and laughs and vomits while Scarpuss the One-eyed Cat with a Limp stares blankly, gives you a thumbs up and let’s go with a loud wet burp.

MOTHER: I don’t know, Bobby. Why --

BOY: Mommm! If I don’t get them the cool guys will think I don’t have my own iPad and can’t play the “Pricky Fox” game and they’ll steal my lunch at school everyday and then they’ll wink and laugh at me and burp in my face and --

MOTHER: All right. All right. I suppose you can get the pants but --

BOY: Gee thanks, Mom. You’re the best.

MOTHER: You’ll need a new jacket. Here’s a nice comfy one with a fleece collar and it’s waterproof and –

BOY: No, Mom, over here. I want this one.

MOTHER: But Bobby, it’s made from cheap imitation purple leather and covered with different colored rhinestones and there’s a picture of two Uzis crossed in the back with a bloody death’s head in the middle and –

BOY: I know, Mom, it’s the best. It’s a deDante Hip Hop jacket.

MOTHER: deDante Hip Hop?

BOY: You know, “deDante Hip Hop” from the cable reality show. He’s the lonely ex gang banger that was chased out of the hood by members of his crew because he ripped them off for a large stash of crack so now he travels from city to city looking for trouble and he’s young and angry and misunderstood and sings cool hip hop songs and each episode some policeman tries to run him out of town because deDante’s always picking fights with strangers and selling drugs to kids and trying to take a guy’s woman just because he wants her and when the policeman tries to arrest him, deDante always gets away but now he’s pissed so he follows the cop home and beats him senseless and bitch tattoos the Uzi and skull logo on the unconscious officer’s forehead while the lawman’s family looks on in horror; then deDante steals the cop’s car and heads for a new city.


BOY: Mommm!!!

MOTHER: All right. All right. We’ll get it. We’ll get it.

BOY: Thanks, Mom.

MOTHER: Now one last thing; you’ll need a warm cap to wear on your head for when it gets cold and rains and snows. Here’s a nice one. It’s wool and dark blue just like they wear in the Navy and --

BOY: Over here, Mom. Look.

MOTHER: But that’s a garish multi-colored soft felt hat with a bright green feather and thick gold chain wrapped around the brim with silver crosses hanging down and --

BOY: I know. I know. But Mom, it’s a Sus the Pimp hat. You know: “‘Sus’ Segundo: East L.A. P. I.” Like on the hot new primetime hit TV show!

Author bits:

Rick Deitrick is mainly a songwriter selling several songs to various TV shows. He has recently signed a contract with a Universal Music subsidiary which he hopes will have a lucrative outcome. Points-in-Case, a British satire magazine, recently published one of his stories.

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