Two Satirical Pieces by Thomas Sullivan

The Big One That Got Away

Dear Sir(s),

Thank you for submitting your manuscript The New Testament for our review. Please know that we read your story about the life of Christ with great interest. However, while we are impressed by the popularity of your previous books, and are also strongly drawn to the idea of publishing a series, we do not believe that a market truly exists for your current story. We also feel that your claim that your proposed series will “become the most popular international book of all time” is somewhat of a stretch. At the current time, we are primarily seeking books about gladiators or sea-based warfare, which are very hot topics at the moment. As such, we do not feel that your work would be a good fit for our catalog.

Thank you once again for considering our publishing house. Best of luck in your future writing endeavors. Also, have you considered the option of self-publishing?

Sincerely,

Marcus Titus
PublishRome & Associates
June 3, CLX

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Help Wanted

Wanted: Middle-aged, white person for national-level leadership position. Ideal candidate will possess limited moral core. Job duties to include: re-framing previously failed economic policies, enhancing and expanding economic inequality, and presenting the replacement of senior health care with tax cuts for high-income earners as a form of patriotic discipline. All candidates must possess or be able to secure deep social and monetary connections to financial and/or defense contracting industries. New ideas not required. Candidate must be comfortable delivering World War Two metaphors and implying a personal connection to regular citizens through emotional stories about working-class ancestors. Previous experience in race-baiting and gay-bashing a plus. Physical resemblance to actors in dandruff shampoo commercials a major plus. Avowed religious faith (however genuine) a must. Job requires relocation to Washington, DC. Housing provided, but private schooling for children recommended.

Author bio:

Thomas Sullivan’s writing has appeared in Pure Slush and 3AM Magazine, among others. He is the author of Life In The Slow Lane, a memoir about teaching driver education for a cut-rate company in Oregon. For information on this title (published by Uncial Press), please visit his author website at Thomas Sullivan.