If the Mob Acted More Like a Corporation (Satire) by Jon Wesick

The following Terms of Service (referred to as “TOS”) are between you, the victim, and Organized Crime (referred to as “OC”). Depending on your service address OC may refer to La Cosa Nostra, the Irish Mob, Russian Mafia, Chinese Triads, Japanese Yakuza, Neapolitan Camorra, or others.

You must accept these TOS as a condition of receiving our “protection.” By inhabiting, doing business in, or merely passing through our territory you agree to the terms and conditions of these TOS including but not limited to the prices, charges, and terms and conditions provided to you in marketing and informational material associated with our “protection” on the OC website. If you do not agree to all the aforementioned terms and conditions, stay off planet Earth!

You will be responsible for payment of service charges for visits by OC or its subcontractors to your premises. You understand and agree that OC may burn, demolish, bomb, or otherwise alter these premises. If you do not own your premises, you warrant that you have obtained permission from any necessary party to make the alterations OC deems appropriate. Furthermore, you agree to indemnify OC from and against any claims by an owner, landlord, building manager, or other party in connection with said alterations.

You agree to pay all fees and charges for the “protection” associated with your account. If the entire amount of payment due is not received by the due date, a late payment charge will be charged to you. OC may assign unpaid balances to an enforcer for appropriate action. You agree to reimburse OC for all costs and expenses incurred to recover payment due including fees for enforcement such as labor, ammunition, explosives, and flammable liquids.

“Protection” may be temporarily interrupted or otherwise limited for a variety of reasons some beyond the control of OC. OC reserves the right to refuse credit allowances for interrupted “protection.” OC also reserves the right to modify or discontinue, temporarily or permanently, at any time or from time to time, the “protection” without liability.

Your “protection” may be suspended or terminated if your payment is past due. While your “protection” is suspended billing may continue for your monthly charges, and any applicable promotional offers may be discontinued or revoked.

You expressly understand and agree that:

i) Your use of the “protection” is at your sole risk. “Protection” is provided on an “as is” basis. OC expressly disclaims all warranties of any kind whether express or implied.
ii) OC makes no warranty that the “protection” will meet your requirements, the “protection will be uninterrupted or timely, the quality of the “protection” will meet your expectations, and that the “protection” will not conflict or interfere with rival gangs.

You expressly understand and agree that OC shall not be liable to you for any direct, indirect, incidental, special, consequential, or exceptional damages resulting from the performance or nonperformance of our “protection.” In any event, your sole and exclusive remedy for any dispute with OC in connection with the service is a refund not to exceed the total amount of fees paid during the immediate preceding twelve-month period.

In the event OC’s business office is unable to resolve a complaint to your satisfaction, we each agree that instead of using courts of general jurisdiction, we will resolve our disputes through binding arbitration in the alley behind Fat Tony’s Pizza.

These TOS constitute the entire agreement between OC and you and supersede all prior agreements.

Author bio:

Host of the Gelato Poetry Series, instigator of the San Diego Poetry Un-Slam, and an editor of the San Diego Poetry Annual, Jon Wesick has published over two hundred poems in journals such as The New Orphic Review, Pearl, Pudding, and Slipstream. He has also published forty short stories in journals such as Clockwise Cat, Space and Time, Zahir, Tales of the Talisman, and Metal Scratches. Jon has a Ph.D. in physics and is a longtime student of Buddhism and the martial arts. One of his poems won second place in the 2007 African American Writers and Artists contest.