Rabbit Security (Satire) by Eric Suhem

“Hold a steaming, sizzling Black & Decker iron to your chest as you sing the ‘Star Spangled Banner’!” said little Randy Rabbit, riding the speeding bullet to a new era of corporate government-sponsored hygiene and security control.

“What the hell was that?” demanded an alarmed Chester, sitting in front of the television set, well into his third gin-and-tonic. “That’s Randy Rabbit, dear, he’s the new national security mascot,” said Velma, “I don’t know how you didn’t hear about it.” Chester and Velma lived in a wealthy suburb of Washington D.C. Chester had a position of high responsibility within the government, as chairman of the national security council.

The television screen was displaying, alternately every 20 seconds, a marching band, a football game, a ‘Have a Nice Day’ smiley face button from the 1970’s, an army training exercise, and ultimately the benevolent face of Randy Rabbit, under a caption of ‘To protect the children’, returning to say, “It’s time once again to monitor the dream state of one of our citizens! Brought to you by Monolith Oil!” Chester was irate that, as national security council chairman, he had not heard of this new rabbit mascot.

“I’ve had enough of this damn nonsense, I’m going to my workshop,” said Chester, downing another gin-and-tonic before heading downstairs to start up the electric saw. He had recently taken up woodworking, and found that it eased the stress from his high pressure security council work. Going downstairs, he passed by numerous wire cages, filled with rabbits that Velma had recently obtained.

As Chet entered the workshop, he saw Randy Rabbit sitting at the wood lathe grinning maniacally. Chet blinked and then saw malevolent bunnies, aligned, poised to strike. They had been happy bunnies, frolicking playfully in the meadow of orange and yellow flowers, but now they intended evil, crouching in the weeds. Each one with the face of Randy Rabbit, in a plaid button-down short-sleeve shirt for rabbits, guaranteeing merriment, as the shavings flew perpetually from his project on the wood lathe. Chet looked into the icy eyes of Randy Rabbit and could see the happy faces in magenta suits as their smiles cracked under the harsh white light. The nursery rhymes would reach a fever pitch as the malevolent bunnies and the eyes of Randy Rabbit would expand and attack, in their subtle way much more harshly than any obvious overt act. The lollipops dance amidst the carnival music as Randy Rabbit’s eyes gleam.

“Oh Chet, stop playing around and put the garbage out, and help me feed the rabbits!” said Velma, carrying large buckets of carrots and lettuce shreds to the wire cages. “I really need more cooperation from you in our rabbit care! I can’t do this all by myself! I’ll be bringing some hamsters home tomorrow.” “Yes dear,” said Chester, shaking himself back to sanity as the disturbing vision of Randy Rabbit slowly melted away. Soon Chet was whistling a happy tune, returning to his work on the wood lathe. There was to be a major security council meeting the next day, and Chet wanted to finish his wood project before getting a good night’s sleep.

The security council met in Strangelove Auditorium, 23 grey-suited men and women with looks of serious concern. The chairman of the security council banged the gavel and the meeting was called into session. At issue was a threat by a rogue dictatorship to invade one of the world’s major industrialized nations. All eyes were on Chester as he began, “I call this meeting to order. Gentlemen, we face a grave danger from this regime, and it must be dealt with quickly and effectively.” Chester continued in a matter-of-fact tone, “But first, I enjoy Day-Glo bunnies.” A murmur was heard from the council members as the lights were turned down and the war room’s global map was illuminated. The map of continents was slowly covered by a group of invading Day-Glo bunnies, hopping about from Africa to Asia to the Americas, each a fluorescent red, orange, green, yellow, purple, or blue. “I enjoy Day-Glo bunnies,” said Chester with increasing conviction, chewing on a carrot.

“I am now locking our coordinates for nuclear response to the rabbits, gentlemen,” said Chester, pointing towards the Day-Glo bunnies bouncing around playfully on the map above, mutual destruction assured. Shouts of alarm and confusion were heard in the war room. Chester picked up the gavel he had completed the night before on the wood lathe, and pounded it on the table. “Meeting adjourned!”

Author bio:

Eric Suhem lives in California and enjoys the qualities of his vegetable juicer. He can be found in Orange Hallway.