A Plea for Homosexuality (Satire) by Kyle Giroux

As the world moves further into the 21st century, we have experienced new technology, marvelous advancements, and inspiring social movements like we have never witnessed before. Human beings have landed on the moon, torn down the Berlin Wall, calculated the speed of light, and split and atom all in a mere 70 years’ time. However, as the world moves deeper into the “Digital Age,” society has fallen into what can only be described as turmoil. Death, destruction, horror, and sex on television are only a few of the terrors this world has experienced to seemingly no end. There is only one explanation as to why the world has had so many problems: people. Lots and lots of people, everywhere.

There are currently 6.9 billion people on earth. Statistics show that in a few years, there will be 10 billion people, and then in a few more years there will be 20 billion people on this already crowded planet. A group of scientists in Iceland have gotten together and were able to come up with a projection that will rattle even the biggest “population problem” skeptics. They concluded that eventually, there will be 100 billion people on earth, unless our carrying capacity is below that, in which case we’ll all be dead. These statistics show that we have two options for the future: stand shoulder to shoulder with people everywhere we go, or die.

If my time in construction work and in a middle class, all American white family has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t want to die. Overcrowding is not the only problem due to overpopulation, as any working class citizen will know. People have a tendency to eat a lot of food, and, as the number of people goes up, the number of food products available will naturally go down. Also, scientists have decided that there is a direct correlation with the amount of people on the planet to the amount of bad things that happen. With these hair-raising statistics, it would seem as though something needs to be done about this problem now. I therefore propose that we as a world community put any differences and other problems aside, and work on our population problem, which will strangle us all to a fiery death in Hell unless it is stopped.

The only two things keeping the population problem in check are war and disease. As helpful as these two factors are, they are both very messy, and many people believe that killing is morally wrong. Working white males know what I mean, since they are the most respected people in our society. Therefore, I will suggest what I believe to be our only solution to this terrible mess we people have gotten ourselves into: homosexuality. Scientists have found that to produce a baby, a man and a woman must have sexual intercourse. Without all three factors (the man, the woman, and the intercourse) in play, there can be no baby. Therefore, it only makes sense to take out one of these factors.

However, no working class citizen wants to give up intercourse. But by replacing the woman with a man or the man with a woman, there will be no baby, and, as a result, no population growth. With this solution, not only will there be a massive decline in population growth, but no one will have to die to achieve it, there will be no more whining babies all over the place ruining meals at nice restaurants or crying in church, and everyone can still have as much, if not more sex.

Obviously people must eventually reproduce, or otherwise there will be no population at all.However, it is perfectly sensible to ban heterosexual intercourse for the next 25 years. With this set of laws*, I feel we can achieve this feat, and finally make the earth not so intolerable to live in:

1) If a couple of heterosexual origin is found touching, the limb that did the touching will be cut off.

2) Heterosexual marriage will be outlawed so as to protect the sanctity of the homosexual union.

3) Public and private institutions will not be allowed to hire heterosexual employees for fear of corrupting children with their views on heterosexual fertilization.

4) People who are found to be heterosexuals but who did not participate in the touching mentioned in rule number two will be put into stocks in the town square and pelted.

5) Children found with heterosexual tendencies will be placed in a small room, strapped to a chair, and administered electric shocks until homosexuality occurs.

6) Elderly people found to have heterosexual tendencies will be thrown off a cliff, since old people are really not all that useful anyways.

7) Penis-to-orifice-other-than-vagina contact by a man to a woman will be punishable by castration.

8) Penis-to-orifice-other-than-vagina contact by a woman to a man will be punishable by stoning.

9) Any form of literature or media with heterosexual references will be burned and all memory of the offensive material will be expunged from record books.

10) Penis-to-vagina intercourse will be punishable by medieval torture and execution. The heads of the executed will then be put on stakes outside of the late offenders’ neighborhoods in order to deter others from such an offense.

*These laws of course do not apply to minorities and handicapped people, who will receive a set of lighter punishments issued by the government.

With these policies in place for the next 25 years, the population problem can and will be quelled. In fact, scientists in Afghanistan have recently gotten hold of my proposal, and calculated it into their computers. What they found was that with 25 years of worldwide homosexuality, the world will have fewer people in it than before. Arguing with those statistics is arguing with fact.

You may be asking yourself what you can do about this awful problem. The simplest answer is to go gay, now. By being as gay as possible, you will find a 30,000% decrease in your chances of producing a child. After you have become a homosexual, it will be your job to treat all heterosexuals around you as badly as possible. Tell them what they are doing is morally wrong, and that they will burn in eternal Hellfire for contributing to the population problem.

Even though these proposed laws have not yet been put into practice, tell them that when the laws finally are passed they will be executed for being so heterosexual. Doing this should get people to turn over a new leaf and do what is right. Anyone with half of a brain can realize that this is a sensible and correct thing to do, and no one willing to contribute will be on the losing side.

This coming election is a chance to make your voice heard, so be an American citizen and vote Yes! to Gay, and get all this clutter off our God-given earth already.

Author bio:

Kyle is a working writer out of the Boston area and a member of the Endicott Review editing team. Recently while studying in Florence, Italy, he became a writer and copy editor for Blending magazine and newsletter, and was recently featured in the “Urban Jackalope” exhibition with two short fiction pieces. Kyle has also been accepted for publication in Kerouac’s Dog Magazine.