Deconstructing the Republican Ideology (Satirical Polemic) by Gil A. Waters

It has become a rather stale mantra among progressives that the ideology of the Republican Party in the Obama Era is reducible to a single word: “No.” However, if you take the time to peruse the party’s website, you will find that the GOP’s brand of intransigent denialism is far too complex to be captured by a mere monosyllabic utterance. In fact, on a page entitled “What We Believe,” you will learn that Republicans embrace no fewer than seven tenets of historical revisionism and socio-economic fantasy that would give even the most skilled psychiatrist a run for his money:

• Just count your blessings… “The Republican Party believes that the United States has been blessed with a unique set of individual rights and freedoms available to all”: Granted, there are a few countries (like Norway, Australia, Iceland, Canada, Ireland, the Netherlands, Sweden, France, Switzerland, Japan, Luxembourg, and Finland) that are ahead of us when it comes to trivialities such as health, education, and standard of living—and our grotesquely skewed distribution of wealth means that real power is concentrated in very few hands—and our political system is characterized by a whorish system of campaign finance that renders moot the concept of “public interest”—but at least God Almighty allows us to choose Coke or Pepsi.

• Leisurely be all that you can be… “The Republican Party is inspired by the power and ingenuity of the individual to succeed through hard work, family support and self-discipline”: Although, truth be told, inheriting your fortune, or living off of the stock dividends from your “golden parachute,” makes it all much easier, while requiring none of that pesky work nor inconvenient discipline. If you close your eyes and wish hard enough, the United States really is a class-less society.

• Practice the fine art of noblesse oblige… “The Republican Party believes in the value of voluntary giving and community support over taxation and forced redistribution”: So throw a quarter or two into the coffee cup of that homeless guy down the street and do your part to end poverty and hunger in America. That homeless guy appreciates your quarters far more than he would some silly government-run program for housing, education, or job-placement.

• Lead the cowboy life… “The Republican Party…believes that government must be limited so that it never becomes powerful enough to infringe on the rights of individuals”: Government intrusion is a steep and slippery slope to Bolshevism. If you let the politicians tell you that you’re not free to own an anti-tank weapon, the next thing you know they’ll be trying to let everyone have access to health insurance. And don’t forget that corporations are “individuals,” too.

• Do less with more… “The Republican Party supports low taxes because individuals know best how to make their own economic and charitable choices”: Very true… that’s why the richest 1 percent of American families own more than one-third of the nation’s wealth, while the poorest 40 percent own less than 1 percent.

• Use self-sustaining bootstraps… “The Republican Party is supportive of logical business regulations that encourage entrepreneurs to start more businesses so more individuals can enjoy the satisfaction and fruits of self-made success”: You have indeed reached the pinnacle of self-made success when you are installed as the extravagantly over-paid CEO of a corporate behemoth that privately owns the homes and livelihoods of your less-fortunate fellow Americans who actually work for a wage.

• Bomb for peace… “The Republican Party is committed to preserving our national strength while working to extend peace, freedom and human rights throughout the world”: Nothing says “peace, freedom and human rights” like invading a country which did not attack you, and killing a few tens or hundreds of thousands of civilians in the process. Throw in a little torture, and you have the makings of an American-style utopia.

The fact that absurdities such as these are taken seriously by a sizable share of the American populace, rather than being relegated to the cultish political fringe, is proof that a human being really can insert his head so far into his own ass that he never sees the light of day.

Author bio:

Gil A. Waters is no one in particular. Read and greet him at Gil Waters.