Friday, July 30, 2010

This Must be Hell (or Congress): An Odd Political Spoof (Satire) by James G. Piatt

“Who in hell cares about politics?” Tweet yelled at the top of his voice

“No one you idiot, no one here gives a damn!!” Syku answered stridently.

It was dark as hell, Dante’s third step dark. Tweet couldn’t see his hand in front of his face. Syku was awfully glad of that.

“Where did Virgil go?” Tweet asked again

“He went with Michelangelo you moron, how many times do I have to tell you?” Syku answered.

“I thought he wrote poetry.” Tweet asked.


“Virgil, you horny toad!”

“No he is a lobbyist.”

“So why is he with Michelangelo, all he does is paint.”

“Well, doesn't that make sense?”

“Sense about what?”

“He isn’t with Michelangelo!”

“Good lord, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying he might not be with Michelangelo.”


“Its hot as hell in here!”

“What did you expect?” Syku yelled.

“I don’t know nerdo something else. I thought politics was cool.”

“You are an idiot Tweet, do you know that?”

“You should talk Syku, both of your heads are ugly as hell, I’m glad it’s dark in here.”

“That one ugly eye in the middle of your flat head doesn’t make you a magazine model.”

The door opened and light inundated the place like a floodlight, it blinded Syku’s all seeing eye.

“Shut off that light you moron, I can’t see.”

“Could you see in the dark?”


“Then what the hell difference does it make?”

“Who are you?”

“Virgil, I’m back.”

“Oh, the one who lobbies?”

“No, I’m the one who paints.”

“Really? Then you must have gone with Michelangelo.”

“That is correct you dizzy large mouthed liberal baboon.”

“See Tweet, you dumb ass, I told you!”

“Oh shut up Syku, who gives a rat’s damn.”

“Me, I do that’s who.” Tweet said petulantly

The place was getting hotter now, like the under belly of a desert toad hot. Tweet grinned, took off his robe and preened his tail.

“Tweet put your robe back on, your body is as ugly as a ruptured whale in heat.”

“You didn’t say that yesterday sweetie.”

“Yesterday it was dark. In the dark, you look good. All politicians do.”

Well you two shut up. Michelangelo is getting excited!”

“Who are these guys Virgil?”

“I have no idea Michelangelo. I flashed my light in this place, and there they were, ugly and all.”

“I think I’ll paint that one.” He said as he gazed lovingly at Tweet.

Michelangelo took out a huge paintbrush the size of an ironing board and commenced painting Tweet’s ugly naked body. It was a tremendous improvement.

“I like it Tweet, definite change for the better,” Syku laughed.

“It tastes like neo-con,” Tweet said as he licked his red tail.

“Don’t do that you’ll ruin my fabulous fanny paint job!” Michelangelo yelled.

“Jeez Micko don’t get so hot under the collar! You sound like a conservative Republican.” Tweet yelled.

"Who is Micko?” Syku asked.

“Him, the weirdo with the stupid girlie toga, brainless smile and big paintbrush.”

“Don’t say that.” Virgil squealed as he pulled his appendage around his body.

“And what are you going to do about it?” Tweet yelled.

“I’ll filibuster your next bill, and say no!” Virgil said as he barred his small teeth.

“Tweet, let’s get out of this damn place. The light is burning my beautiful fur.” Syku screamed as he blew out the fire on his furry blue Democratic bottom.

“You stay right where you are Syku, don’t you leave. Alice said the Queen of Hearts is going to invite you for dinner,” Michelangelo stated as he licked his lips.

“Who wants me?”

“The Queen of Hearts.”

“I thought she was in to Humpty Dumpty.” Tweet exclaimed as he looked at Syku then continued licking the red paint off of his blue tail.

“No the Mad Hatter did, he is into saying no and cracked eggs.”

The light went out and the place started getting cold again. Virgil and Michelangelo yelled and ran out. Tweet sighed and looked at Syku.

“What was that all about?”

“Just a misfortune I guess.” Syku answered as he preened his burning butt.

“What the hell is going on in there? The Bush asked gazing goofily into the place.

“Nothing, just coming and going like Michelangelo.” He roared.

“You perverts, you are never going to get out of this blue place.” The Bush yelled.

“What place?” Syku asked.

“This place.”

“What place is this place?” Tweet asked.

“Stay in hell you liberal perverts,” the Bush screamed jumping on his fairy-dusted broom and heading back to Never Never Land.

“He’ll never get there.” A youthful voice stated.

“Who the hell are you in your fancy tight pants, and why won’t he get there?” Tweet asked gazing dreamily at the lad.

“I’m Peter Pan and I moved his ship of state, he’ll never find it.”

“Jeez, why don’t you grow up Peter?” Syku yelled.

“I’m outa here everyone wants me, and Bush to grow up,” Peter screamed.

“Hey who else is in here with us?” Tweet asked feeling something sharp.

“Its me you stupid imbecile, let go of my shiny pointed hook.”

“Whose me?” Syku asked.

“General Hook & Crook! Where did that damn idiot Peter Pan go?”

“I think he left to find Virgil and Michelangelo.”

“Well that does it, I quit.” The General yelled as he stomped out of the place, “I don’t play second fiddle to anyone.”

“What a loser!” Tweet exclaimed as he licked the last of the red paint off his tail.

Author bio:

James earned his BS and MA from California State Polytechnic University. He earned his doctorate from BYU. He is retired now, and spends his summers along the river, reading, writing, and penning poetry. Caper Journal, Word Catalyst Magazine, Everyday Weirdness Magazine, and the Cynic Magazine have published his short stories. He has had eight non-fiction essays published.

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