Answering Machine (Satire) by John A. Ward

Answering Machine
by John A. Ward

Press one followed by the pound sign if you want to be placed on hold and listen to Barry Manilow sing Yoko Ono's greatest hits.

Press two followed by the asterisk if you want to volunteer for building houses out of corn cobs at the Sun Poets and Writers Retreat.

Press three followed by the initials of your mother's maiden name if you want to apply for citizenship in the Republic of Gorgonzola.

Press four followed by whistling the first verse to the Battle Hymn of the Republic if you're heterosexual and don't care who knows it.

Press five followed by the word flatulence in Morse code from a whoopee cushion if you've eaten refried beans within the last fortnight.

Press six followed by the square root of two hundred and fifty six if you remember sixth grade math.

Press seven followed by your own imitation of Truman Capote having a hissy fit if you don't know the capitol of Albania.

Press eight followed by reciting the alphabet backwards if you think the Fourth of July should be celebrated on July Fourth whether it comes on the weekend or not.

Press nine followed by the sign of the beast if you don't believe in a deity.

To hear this message again, press zero.

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Author bio:

John A. Ward was born on Staten Island, attended Wagner College in the early 60's, sold his first poem to Leatherneck magazine, and became a scientist. He is now in San Antonio running, writing and living with his dance partner. He has published in Doorknobs & Bodypaint, Clockwise Cat, Apollo's Lyre, Ascent Aspirations, Static Movement, Toasted Cheese, Green Tricycle, Alighted Ezine, Lit Bits, Cenotaph Pocket Edition, The San Antonio Express-News, Antithesis Common, Wild Child, Holy Cuspidor, Idlewheel, Cautionary Tale, Sentence, Sun Poetic Times, Byline, Quirk, ken*again, R-KV-R-Y, The Smoking Poet, Long Story Short and Rose & Thorn. Links to his work can be found at Booger Jack.