The Special Mission (Satire) by William Blick

The Special Mission
By William Blick

We know who you are. You don’t know who we are. We are not affiliated with the U.S. government, CIA, Special Service, Secret Service, Social Services, FBI, KGB, Al Queida, Bin Laden, Anarchist party, the Kennedy’s, the Weinstein Company, the Communist party, Socialist Party, any Militia, any fascists, any country, creed, religion, sect, denomination, special interest group, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, the NRA, any political documentarian, any form of media, independent liberal press, conservative right wing fundamentalists, gay and lesbian parties, the Mafia, Bernie Madoff, or any multi-level marketing line of products.

We are an elite group of elitist specialists. We have been designed by the greatest thinkers and men of our generation that no one has ever heard of. You have been selected to carry out a secret mission of utmost secrecy. You have been selected for your unique qualities. This mission won’t be easy. In fact, it is damn near impossible. War is hell. We will see some shit. Bodies in flames, arms blown from bodies, minds changed, weight loss, nausea and discontentment. You might experience heart break, dizziness, incontinence, palpitations, dry mouth, constipation, lack of sex drive, increased thirst, alcoholism, substance abuse, childhood issues, self reproach, doubt, fear, anxiety, paranoia, trouble sleeping, trouble at work, erectile dysfunction, painful erection, impotence, selfishness, self centeredness, Amnesia, difficulty concentrating, and poor taste in literature, food, music, clothes, and music, and movies.

You are not to speak to anyone about this. Not your wife, mother, priest, dealer, guru, or shrink. No one must know.

We are staging a coup and you will be instrumental in your role, carrying out your duties with pride, strength and honor. Deadly force may or may not be necessary. This coup will be a political, social, artistic, economic, religious, philosophical, and intellectual assault on the status quo. You will be instrumental in creating a paradigm shift. This shift will change minds, lives, prejudices, old ways of thinking, and impoverished regions of the world. This coup will end fighting, heartbreaks, disillusionments, rifts that divide cultures, peoples, and nations. This revolution will destroy technology and return humanity to a basic order of living. This new way will get people to turn off their computers, ipods, kindles, laptops, cell phones, black berries, iphones, televisions, camcorders, radios, cd players, dvd players, cd/dvd combinations, vhs, 8tracks, and cassette recorders. People will breathe air. The world will be restored. The end shall be the beginning. The first shall be last and the last shall be first. Vengeance shall be upon us. People won’t wait in bread lines. No one will cheat on no one. No more unwanted children. No one shall be exploited anymore. Utopian fantasies will be reality.

Your work is an imperative of our special force. Join us if you will. Otherwise, face death or actually maybe just a bus ticket back to your 9 to 5 job in Bed, Bath, and Beyond. We are asking you be a part. A part of something bigger, better than yourself. This force is divinely inspired.

Should you tell anyone that you spoke with us here today, you will be tortured with meat hooks, electricity, or 24 hour reruns of the Partridge Family. In the end, the choice is yours. You are skilled in rhetoric, debate, philosophy, physics, hand to hand combat, firearms, driving, explosives, quoting movie lines, washing dishes, vacuuming, and botany. You are good. We’ll make you better. We will take you from being spoiled, lazy, indulgent, uncaring, unthinking automatons, with grandiose dreams of taking on the world, but never leaving your air-conditioned apartment and the darkness of the chrysalis, and slaving away for slaves wages to feed the bellies of the supplicant pigs who exploit you.

You will feel what it means to be a part of something titanic. And with that you will transcend yourself and your humanity.

Author bio:

William “Bill” Blick is a freelance writer from Bellerose, New York. He has an M.A in English Literature from Queens College and is pursuing a master’s in Library Science. He has published stories in Inscribed: A Magazine for Writers, The Pulp Pusher, Underground Voices Magazine, Revisions, Scribal Tales, Soul Fountain, Seven Seas Magazine, Straitjackets Magazine, and Bewildering Stories. He also writes film criticism and has published work in Senses of Cinema. He currently teaches writing for the University of Phoenix. Most recently, he has been invited to present a paper at the Midwestern Conference for Popular Culture.