Universal Health-SCARE: A Kwiz for the Deliberately, Dangerously Ignorant by Alison Ross

Universal Health-SCARE: A Kwiz for the Deliberately, Dangerously Ignorant

When it comes to healthcare reform, many Americans are:

a) woefully stupid
b) woefully idiotic
c) woefully pathetically stupid and idiotic
d) blissfully stupid
e) blissfully idiotic
f) blissfully ecstatically stupid and idiotic

Many Americans are woefully pathetically blissfully ecstatically stupid and idiotic about healthcare reform because:

a) the American media performs fellatio on the corporate advertisers which guide (i.e, censors and distorts) their coverage
b) the American media performs cunnilingus on the corporate advertisers which guide (i.e., censors and distorts) their coverage
c) the America media is locked into a 69 embrace with the corporate advertisers which guide (i.e., censors and distorts) their coverage
d) the American media willfully and gleefully censors and distorts their own coverage because they have their tongues shoved disturbingly far up the anuses of their corporate advertisers
e) the American media does not exist for the people’s benefit, as it is supposed to, but for the corporate advertiser’s benefit; that way, the corporate advertisers can continue to rape us in the ass with their pseudo-cure-all drugs that cost 2 bazillion dollars a minute

Every other country that has some form of universal healthcare looks at the American system and the controversy surrounding reform and:

a) guffaws
b) cackles
c) shrieks with wild amusement
d) howls with sinister abandon

For profit healthcare is:

a) disgusting
b) outrageously disgusting
c) egregiously disgusting
d) outrageously egregiously disgusting
e) sick beyond fathom
f) sick beyond description
g) sick beyond elaboration
h) sick beyond fathomable description and elaboration

Socialized healthcare is evil because:

a) it covers everyone and that’s insanely WRONG for no reason whatsoever
b) it guarantees everyone access to their natural-born rights, and natural-born rights are innately wicked
c) it guarantees a healthier society and a healthy society is tantamount to a sinister society
d) the media and Republicans and some Democrats have told me it was evil and I just swallow what they say without any critical thought whatsoever because I am American and my nationality protects me from deep thought about anything except donuts, reality TV, and whether spics are really people too
e) It just is, you commie freak!
f) I hate people, and misanthropy is sexy



Obama is:

a) a whimpering wimp for backing out on the public option
b) a corporate tool for backing out on the public option
c) a blithering fool for backing out on the public option
d) a cravenly coward for backing out on the public option
e) a Republican in flimsy disguise
f) a Democrat, which is really just the same thing as a Republican
g) Bush in blackface

Answer “g” in the last question is:

a) appallingly racist
b) disgustingly racist
c) appallingly disgustingly racist but satirically funny anyway
d) true

Healthcare reform is imperative because:

a) it’s not imperative; I just like using that word
b) I am an evil commie pinko freako and it suits my ideology to have everyone covered healthwise, because it proves that my ideology is right, even though it’s also an evil ideology
c) Viva la Revolucion!
d) Europeans have affordable, quality healthcare and even though I have been indoctrinated to believe that affordable, quality healthcare is both evil and wrong, there is something about that phrase “affordable, quality healthcare” that intrigues me. The way it flows mellifluously off the tongue, maybe?
e) because I am sick and tired of seeing people who are sick and tired
f) even lowly peasants deserve good health, despite the fact that they are lazy bastards who leech off the rest of us god-fearing hard-working upright citizens
g) because I’d rather watch Jerry Springer than work for a living. Gimme my fucking free healthcare you fat rich fucks!

The "debate" over healthcare reform in this country is:

a) laughably inane
b) inanely absurd
c) absurdly laughable
d) guffawably preposterous
e) preposterously ridiculous
f) ridiculously embarrassing
g) embarrassingly laughably inanely absurdly preposterously ridiculous
h) as pseudo as everything else in this the land of the freely fat and stupid

Health insurance companies are:

a) run by psychopathic fucks
a) run by fucking psychopaths
c) psychopathically fucking us in the ass
d) ass-fucking us psychopathically
e) emphatically psycho-fucking us
f) crawling with money-zombies
g) bursting with greed-freaks
h) teeming with freed greeks

Answer "h" in the last question is:

a) a silly but clever play on words
b) a clever but silly play on words
c) tiresomely tedious
d) STFU already and get on with the kwiz, cunt!

Big Pharma is:

a) Bad Karma
b) teeming with money-zombies and greed-freaks
c) the name of my new rap band
d) the name of my new gangsta farm. Sheeps in da HOUSE y'all!
e) the name of Boy George's new single, "Pharma Chameleon"

America is:

a) doomed
b) deranged
c) deranged and doomed
d) doomed and deranged
e) the Best Country EVER, which since it’s Backwards Day means it is the Worst Country EVER
f) the Worst Country EVER, which since it’s Frontwards Day means it is the Worst Country EVER

This kwiz iz:

a) brilliant
b) genuis
c) only a
d) only b
e) both a and b
f) all of the above
g) over