Sunday, March 22, 2009

Eleven Woodpeckers Sat on a Wire by Krammer Abrahams

Eleven Woodpeckers Sat on a Wire
by Krammer Abrahams

"See, isn't this nice," said a bird on a wire named Mordecai, "No more banging our heads senseless." The other woodpeckers, all named Mordecai, congratulated each other. A whale floated below them. His name was Kenneth. "I don't have anyone to congratulate," said Kenneth, "No one congratulates me." Life had been tough since all the fish in his sea had died. He named his sea, 'Kenneth's Sea'. Kenneth's Sea was sad and empty and Kenneth survived off bird droppings and licking used Styrofoam fast food boxes that sometimes arrived from nowhere in particular. Still Kenneth was optimistic and said, "Someday someone will congratulate me. He began to peck the telephone pole with its head. The Mordecai peckers chortled, then cackled, and finally exhaled, very pleased with the laugh they just had. "We live a great life," said one of them. "I have never felt better," said another. "I'm kind of bored," said a third. "Bored?" the rest cried. "Yes, I feel like there is no purpose in my life. I miss the forest." "Ah, the forest," they all thought. Where had the forest gone? Whoever made this world had completely forgotten about the forest. Or a forest had been created, but it had been filed away randomly and was forgotten. It was stuck in the back of the Nematodes file which wasn't even where it was supposed to be because Karl Rudolphi, the great fat naturalist, ate the file shortly before his death in 1832 and requested that he be filed away with the wife of his greatest student, Johannes Peter Müller. Oddly, this didn't upset J.P. because he was actually in the midst of an affair himself with the wife of Carl Ludwig. Ludwig, a very studious gentleman, realized the enormity of the situation and in honor of the world of eleven woodpeckers and one whale named Kenneth vowed to live an asexual existence and requested that his paperwork be filed away in the clutters of the forest documents, thus completing the circle. Also, Carl was a fan of fast food and often would only eat McDonalds for weeks. Because of space limitations he would sometimes stick his trash in other files which probably explains why sometimes Kenneth found Styrofoam in his sea. Anyway, while all the other woodpeckers thought about what became of the forest and no reasonable answers were produced the third woodpecker got drunk and fell off the wire. On the way down the third woodpecker drank more and yelled something out in Latin even though he had never studied the language. None of the other Mordecais understood. They were Russian birds. The meaning was lost. Kenneth looked up when he heard the yells of the falling woodpecker and thought congratulations were descending from heaven. As Kenneth ate the bird he felt a strange sense of accomplishment. He credited his pecking and vowed to return to the pole every day, which he did until his death, but was never rewarded again. The other Mordecais became a tiny bit depressed at their drunk friend's death, but soon forgot about him and decided that a forest was a holiday office party where all the employees had had a little too much to drink and someone decided to hang topless from the chandelier in the lobby until their legs were asleep and they fell into a sea where they were eaten by a whale.

Author bio:

Krammer has been published at lamination, elimae, pequin, no posit, titular. He has a blog, kinda.

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