One themed story by Michael Kechula

SAGE ADVICE
by Michael Kechula

Dear Auntie Em,
My husband thinks he’s turning into a fly. What should I do?
--Distressed.


Dear Distressed,
Buy a flyswatter and a bucket of warm horse dung.
-- Auntie Em. PS: No problem is so big it can’t be run away from.


Dear Auntie Em,
As you suggested, I bought a flyswatter. But he’s too fast for me. Should I swat him when he’s rubbing his front legs together, as if he’s washing his hands, which are no longer there? As to the horse dung, it cooled down too fast, so it didn’t attract him. I tried to heat it, but the whole pile blew up inside the microwave. I had to buy a new microwave. Got any ideas on how to keep horse dung warm, other than using a microwave?
-- Really Distressed


Dear Really Distressed,
Go to G-Mart and buy one of their new special microwaveable dung dishes, guaranteed by Ladies Good Homekeeping. Use it to heat the dung. Don’t ever try to swat a fly when he’s washing his hands. Flies are compulsive hand washers. If you manage to kill him during his ritual, he’ll come back to haunt you. Then you’ll have big-time problems. Especially since nobody knows how to kill ghost flies.
-- Auntie Em. PS: No problem is so big it can’t be run away from.


Dear Auntie Em,
You told me to buy a dung dish at G-Mart. I did. It cost $79.95 plus tax. But it does the job. Now I can warm up horse dung and place it around the house. Yesterday, I saw my husband, who turned into a fly, lighting on a soft steaming pile. I slammed it hard. Missed him. Now I gotta repaint the walls. Plus, I got infected, brown zits Do you think I should get some fly-eating spiders?
-- Really Super Distressed


Dear Really Super Distressed,
Get the Martha Stewgut brand of fly-eating spiders. They’re guaranteed by Ladies Good Homekeeping. And they are environmentally friendly. Meanwhile, get rid of the flyswatter and whatever dung didn’t stick to your walls and face—that’s old technology.
-- Auntie Em. PS: No problem is so big it can’t be run away from.


Dear Auntie Em,
I got the Martha Stewgut fly-eating spiders you recommended. Now the house is full of spider webs. My pet canary got loose and got caught in one. The spiders tore him apart and ate him. I miss my birdie very much. Do you think he gave his life for a good cause, and I should arrange for an open coffin showing in the State Capitol Rotunda?

Meanwhile, my husband got caught in one of their nets. But they ate so much bird, they’re too full to attack and eat him. What can I do to increase their appetites? I tried to tell them my husband, the fly, was caught in their biggest net. But they don’t understand English.
-- Super Distressed To The Nth Degree


Dear Super Distressed To The Nth Degree,
Go to G-Mart and buy their brand chocolate syrup. Coat your husband with two tablespoons. Spiders like chocolate. Coat yourself too---if you have a spider fetish, like the one mentioned in the latest Good Homekeeping article, “50 Ways to Make It Even Better.”
-- Auntie Em. PS: No problem is so big it can’t be run away from.


Dear Auntie Em,
Thank you for all your wonderful advice. The article was an eye opener. The thing with the chocolate was inspired. I’m a new woman. And I’m now a widow. But not for long. Do you believe in polygamy? With spiders?
-- Sticky But Thrilled.

Author bio:

Michael A. Kechula is a retired technical writer. His flash and micro-fiction tales have won first place in seven contests and runner up in four others. His stories have appeared in ninety-four online and print magazines and anthologies in Australia, Canada, England, and US. He’s authored a book of flash and micro-fiction stories: “A Full Deck of Zombies--61 Speculative Fiction Tales.” eBook available at Books for a Buck and Fiction Wise. Paperback available at Amazon.