Satire by Tom Sullivan

Real E-mail, Real Response
by Tom Sullivan

The E-mail:

From: Marina Litvieneko (marina_litvinenko15@yahoo.co.uk)

Sent: Tue 3/18/08 10:51 PM

To: tpsull@hotmail.com

Good Day Friend,

I am Mrs.Marina Litvinenko,wife of Alexander Litvinenko, a former Russian security officer who died in a London hospital after apparently being poisoned with the highly-toxic metal thallium by Mr Lugovoi,a Russian Government Paid agent.

Please i want you to assist me remove USD$3.5M given to my husband before his death by Mr Berezovsky, A Russian Billionaire Exiled in UK for exposing an alleged plot to assassinate him by the Russian Authority and to investigate the death of Anna Politkovskaya,a Russian Journalist believed to have equally been poisoned by the Kremlin for writing a book:The Putin's Russia: Life in a Failing Democracy depicted Russia as a country where human rights are routinely trampled. The Funds are deposited with a security firm in Europe and because of fear i will beg you to assist us remove the funds for investment in your country.

As soon as i receive your response,i will send you the documents of the funds. I intend releasing 15% of these funds to for your assistance.

Best Regards,

Mrs.Marina Litvinenko


The Response:

From: tpsull@hotmail.com

Sent: Tue 3/19/08 1:31 PM

To: Marina Litvieneko (marina_litvinenko15@yahoo.co.uk)

Dear Marina,

I vink vat happened to your husband ees a crime horrible. On hospital bed he look like man who took second place in vodka and caviar eating contest. Zos spooky white eyebrows too creepy to vook at. Ve have toxic-metal in dis country two, but dis is only music that ruin your ears. I share your pain. Evey time I get stomach cramp I think “Shit, de CIA half put rat poisin in my big Mac.” I pray it just gas, thinking about vaht poor Alexander go frou. It usually eez gas. So far, dat eez.

I voud be happy to help assist remove money from bank in Europe. But I leef in country almost as corrupt as Russia. Vee get email scams from losers too dumb to get real job. Zees scumbag sit in a trailer in dead town vishing they not screw up der life and have to commit crime. Zey want be normal, i think, but poor genetics or learning disability just not allow it.

So, how I know you not just Putin me on? I need zum proof positive zat you legit and not zum dirtbag wif low IQ. Wif dollar falling faster than house prices in Baghdad I can’t take chance. So here iz my proposal:

You half endangered sturgeon from Lake Baikal, no? If yoo send me photo of zis fish nibbling on de inside ov your upper thigh, nice and high, I vill know you serious. Zen I help wif you cause.

Best regards,

Tom

Author bio:

Thomas Sullivan's most recent book, entitled Life In The Slow Lane, recounts a hair-raising summer spent as an instructor inside a driver’s education car (www.lulu.com). His writing has appeared in Eleventh Transmission, Grumble Magazine, Rumpot Magazine, Backhand Stories, and The Externalist.