Saturday, March 8, 2008

Satire by Alison Ross

Hegemonic Lard-Ass
by Alison Ross

Americans are lard-asses. They live in a lard-ass country in lard-ass houses. To get to work, they drive lard-ass SUVs and trucks on lard-ass highways. For lunch and dinner, they eat lard-ass hamburgers and fries and drink lard-ass sodas, or consume lard-ass portions in lard-ass chain restaurants. For entertainment, they go to lard-ass movie houses to watch films that feature lard-ass explosions on lard-ass movie screens, and they watch lard-ass dumbasses on lard-ass TV sets while sitting on their lard-ass couches. For shopping, they go to lard-ass malls where they buy lard-ass clothing to cover their lard-ass butts. At night, they talk on the phone to their lard-ass friends and families in their lard-ass voices. And they have sex with people who have surgically enhanced lard-ass genitalia and lard-ass boobs.

The only book Americans seem to read is that lard-ass black book called the Bible - Lard-Ass Testament version, of course.

On Sundays, lard-ass Americans worship in lard-ass churches. For all we know, their god is a big lard-ass who needs to go on a Weight Watchers diet. He's been eating too many Lays Communion Wafer Chips - filled with lard, of course.

After church, Americans like to hunt with their lard-ass guns or simply dream of lard-ass missiles and tanks destroying non-lard-ass countries filled with non-lard ass innocents.

Americans are lard-asses because their government is sadistically imperialistic. Imperialism thrives on gobbling up resources all over the world - oil, produce, coffee, water - in an attempt to satiate its ever-expanding hunger. American culture mimics this imperialistic government by biggie-sizing everything, from houses, to cars, to food portions, to malls, to churches - even Americans' egos are lard-ass because of their ingrained sense of entitlement.

America is a lard-ass monster that is coming to get you. Beware the lumbering lard-ass.

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