Friday, January 18, 2008

Satire by Alison Ross

by Alison Ross

The 2008 Presidential Race is well underway, but the nominees for each of the parties have yet to be decided. The good news is, no matter what, Bush is out. The bad news (or the good news, depending on whether you are sane or psychopathic) is, the current crop of candidates promises to perpetuate Bush’s fascist agenda in some way, shape, or form.

As for the Wimpocraps, it's looking pretty good for Barrack Obama, although the whole Superdelegate farce may put Hillary Clinton over the top, which would naturally disguntle many people. As for the Repugnicunts, it's looking more and more like John McCain, with a possible Huckabee VP slot.

So which candidate makes you wet and/or erect, Generica? The Corporate Demublican, or the Corporate Republicrat? The Progressive Fascist or the Conservative Despot? Tweedle-Re or Tweedle-Dem?

Obama tickles my clit because:

a) I don't like our freedoms, and Obama's name reminds me of Islamo-fascists who hate our freedoms, too
b) If elected, he could change the southern state name from Alabama to Alobama
c) I like rousing rhetoric that repeats the word "change" 500 times without any specifics attached
d) He has the Audacity of Hope, I have the Tenacity of Dope
e) Because Bill Clinton just didn't cut it as the first black president

Hillary makes me hard because:

a) She is married to the first black president
b) She stands up for pantsuit rights when no one else will
c) She cares so much about universal healthcare she allows herself to be the biggest recipient of healthcare industry money of all the candidates
d) She cares so much about the troops in Iraq that she allows herself to receive the most weapons industry money of all the candidates
e) She loves workers so much she sat on the board of Wal-Mart for six years
f) She loves the idea of a free press so much she is buddies with Rupert Murdoch

McCain makes me wet because:

a) He was tortured, and I'm all for torturing Republicans
b) I'm for geriatric rights and I'm tired of old prunes being denied the presidency
c) The White House always did resemble a nursing home
d) He cares so much about our troops he wants them to be alive forever so they can fight a 100 year War on Terror
e) He'll die soon enough, and so Jello Biafra can start a band called the Dead McCains

Huckabee makes my left nipple pointy because:

a) I always wanted America to be renamed United Redneck Theocracy
b) I can't wait to get dueling bumper stickers that say Fuckabee 08 and Hucka-pee 08
c) He looks like Kevin Spacey on religion steroids
d) Who needs access to clinic abortions when I can just use a 60 cent hanger from the closet?
e) He thinks people named Juana and Jose should build walls protecting us from other people named Juana and Jose

Mitt Romney, who dropped out, made me moan with pleasure because:

a) We need more Morons, I mean Mormons, in office
b) I wanted to be able make this introduction at my parties: "Ladies and Gentlemen, The President and the First, Second, and Third Ladies..."
c) I wanted to be able to suggest an Obama/Romney ticket so that we could merge the names into "Obomney"
d) He looks like the frat boy I lost my virginity to
e) He puts the "ass" in Massachsetts

Ron Paul twiddles my balls/labia because:

a) I like my president to be sane and crazy simultaneously (i.e., Libertarian)
b) I like a man with the guts to have two first names
c) I can just never get enough of white men who hate black people
d) He thinks illegal immigrants should not be able to get healthcare or attend public schools, and I've always advocated for more sick, uneducated children
e) He believes in deregulating everything, and I'm so eager to pay out the ass for essential services that will enrich the already-egregiously wealthy while depleting my meagre savings

The Superdelegates make me stiff because:

a) They look great in tights
b) I'm too dumb to know how to vote, and I need a bunch of spoiled elected officials to do it for me
c) Cuz I'm super, just like my 5th grade teacher told me
d) Superman doesn't do conventions
e) Super Tuesday, Superdelegates, Super Country!

American politics are:

a) tragic
b) comic
c) tragicomic
d) comitragic
e) comatose
f) lactose intolerant


Jamie Lin said...

Love it, Alison. The whole thing gave me a very weird and very strong orgasm.

Dr Ed said...

ED to ALISON, Hell, I'm a guy and your piece gave me five orgasms by the time I finished reading "Presidential Erection". Hail to the Party where even a septuagenarian can cum.
Thanks for the pleasure,
Edwin Young