Satire by Alison Ross

EL MINI-KWIZ DE ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION

Please choose the best answer from the following choices. No cheating, or we'll deport your ass back to your original country, even if that means the country of your ancestors who came here hundreds of years ago!*

1. Illegal immigration is a hot topic in political discourse because:

a. It has created a necessary diversion from Lil’ Bushie’s countless fatal missteps
b. It distracts from the abundant murderous policies of BushCo
c. Americans are racist pigs
d. Americans are discriminatory bastards
e. Americans are hegemonic swine
f. White Americans in particular are aware that they too were once illegal immigrants who participated in the enslavement, displacement, and outright slaughter of millions of Native Americans, and need a way to purge that shame, so they take it out on our hapless neighbors

2. Mexicans overwhelmingly constitute the majority of illegal immigrants because:

a. They prefer Taco Bell to authentic home-cooked Mexican food
b. They have always dreamed of building houses for the obnoxiously rich while living in shacks that even rats reject
c. They enjoy leaving their homes, their families and their native culture for strange lands where the people are largely hostile their presence, even though the inhabitants of that land are the ones responsible for their having to leave to begin with, and yet have no clue because they are too busy lazing around on their ever-expanding backsides eating lard from the pan while watching exploited girls on TV open suitcases of money that would be better spent on things like education, healthcare, and jobs for everyone
d. There were too many people named Jose and Juana and it was getting confusing
e. Bill Clinton signed NAFTA and screwed the Mexicans out of work in their native country
f. Mexicans wanted to help heal the divide between blacks and whites by presenting a model as to what a child from a black-white union would look like

3. Illegal immigrants are scum because:

a. They build our houses, clean our homes, pick our produce, and serve us tasty meals, and we just CAN’T HAVE THAT
b. They contribute to our economy, and THAT’S JUST WRONG
c. They don’t complain when they are paid pennies to do grueling work, or are flagrantly abused on the job, and HOW DARE THEY
d. They have a strong work ethic that rivals a native-born American’s, and WE MUST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT NOW
e. They are family-oriented people who just want to do right by their children, grandparents, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and IF WE DON’T STOP THEM THEY’LL CONTINUE THIS DISTURBING PATTERN OF LOVING BEHAVIOR
f. They welcome Americans into their own countries with open arms, and THERE SHOULD BE A LAW AGAINST THAT

4. The wall being built along the US-Mexico border is humane because:

a. It’s being constructed using Mexican labor, and so finally Rodrigo is doing something useful with his life
b. Pink Floyd’s masterpiece will seem so much more relevant now
c. At last the graffitti artists will have a place to display their talents
d. How better to say “I love you” than with a 1,200-mile 40-foot high fence made of steel and concrete?
e. It just is, wetback!

5. Without illegal immigrants, America would:

a. Still suck
b. Suck even more, because our houses would be dirty or, worse, unconstructed altogether
c. Not have anyone to pick on, and where’s the fun in THAT?
d. Be empty
e. Have many unbussed tables
f. Have no one to scream, “Speak English Enrique!” at

6. This kwiz:

a. Should be against the law
b. Crossed the border illegally while being chased by fascist Minutemen and their deadly dogs
c. Applied for a green card, but was denied based on its affilations with dangerous peace groups
d. Will work for #2 pencils
e. Habla Espanol
f. Has complete empathy with our compadres from the south and is disgusted by their malicious maltreatment

*Only applies to non-white non-males