Satire by Alison Ross

NEWS OR LOSE!
by Alison Ross




“Good evening, I’m John Smith.”

“And I’m Shenequa Gonzales Abduggaforenzia, and you’re watching Channel 7’s ‘News or Lose!’ where we report all the insignificant minutia to empower you to forge forward with your meaningless life.”

“John, while I’m busy coloring my hair for the tenth time this week, why don’t you give viewers who only watch us for the weather a tantalizing hint about tomorrow’s climate?”

“Shenequa, while you’re busy indulging your mindless coiffure activities, I’ll deliver the meterological goods in my usual square-jawed, frat-boy fashion. Did you notice tonight that my sleek black suit provides a striking contrast with my dreamy ocean-blue eyes?”

“I did notice that, John. Did you notice that my fake blond afro-weave brings out the lush copper tones in my heavily pigmented skin?”

“Yes, you’re quite the multi-ethnic phenonmenon, Shenequa!”

“And you’re quite the generic caucasian male, John!”

“Hahahaha! Anyway, moving onto weather! Our team of Extreme Meterologists has determined that there may be some dew tomorrow morning, which hopefully won’t impede the traffic flow, and in the afternoon, there will be a small ray of sun peeking through masses of animal-shaped clouds. By the evening, it will be too dark to notice interesting cloud formations, but there will be a 40% chance of twilight showers, and a 100% chance of the moon. More weather coming up!”

“Thanks, John! Now, moving onto the riveting headline segments, which we will undercore with cheesy melodramatic music and flashy MTV-style graphics to appease our ADD-plagued viewing audience.”

“First up, we have a tragic story involving a local daycare. Earlier today, four workers at the Tykes on Trikes daycare facility were arrested on suspicion of feeding the children recalled catfood. The catfood, manufactured by an American company outsourcing all its labor to Indonesia, was recalled last month due to toxicity levels being too high. The daycare workers had failed to dispose of the catfood, and allegedly fed it to the children. The workers apparently assumed that children’s digestive systems could handle what the cats’ could not. But they were proven wrong when the children began vomitting violently. Three children have died in the last week.”


“Wow Shenequa, that’s truly disturbing, and points to a growing trend among daycares to feed recalled pet food to children.”

“Yes, John, sadly, that is the case. These are the first reported deaths from this trend, but parents are pulling out their children in droves from the nation’s daycares.”

“Well, rest assured that Channel 7’s News or Lose! will keep you abreast of the events in this upsetting story.”

“Coming up, we have our International Focus on the Crisis in Darfur. But first, Dave Davis reports on sports! How’s the NFL shaping up this year, Dave?”

“Well, Shenequa, it’s not looking too fluffy for the Atlanta Falcons this season, owing to the dogfighting allegations against Michael Vick. Vick has pledged his innocence in the case, but rabid PETA activists say he’s barking up the wrong tree with that plea. ‘ We will fight this to the teeth,’ says PETA spokesperson, Ralph Arfman. However, Vick’s supporters vow to continue their loyalty toward the canine-crusher. ‘I love dogs, don’t get me wrong,’ says one supporter. ‘But them dogs was mean and deserved to be anally electrocuted for the sadistic pleasure of testosterone-drunk football fanatics. Plus, Vick’s DA MAN! Number 7 forever! WOOT!' "

“Now, it’s not yet clear whether the NFL will allow Vick to stay or make him go, but one thing is clear: the maltreatment of man’s best friend has ruffled some Falcon feathers.

“Thanks, Dave, for that piece, and especially for refusing to probe more profoundly into the troubling phenonmenon of dogfighting and only giving us a superficial view of the situation. That way, we can keep our viewing audience properly narcotized with soundbites and surface-deep stories that give the illusion of depth while working to erode their critical thinking aparatus. This way, they’ll continue to support our corporate-fascist agenda.”

“Sure, Shenequa. In other sports news, soccer is still stupid and American footbal is still king! Hoo-ah!”

“Back to today’s headlines. John?”

“Thanks Shenequa. Channel 7’s News or Lose! has just learned that overwhelmingly, people who consider themselves Christian feel discriminated against in public places due to a lack of visible crosses. And a new poll shows that six out of ten people prefer the thought of warm diet Mountain Dew to the thought of George W. Bush. That’s right - they favor thinking about tepid carbonated piss-water to contemplating the existence of our nation’s commander-in-chief. At least 50% of poll respondents said they did not identify as political in any way. The other half said there considered themselves political, even conservative, but were ready for a change on the political stage to someone only quasi-fascist and semi-moronic as opposed to ultra-fascist and uber-moronic. The others participating in the poll did not have any problem at all with Bush and even believed him to be a likeable leader, and found his chronic bumbling more comical than bothersome. Shenequa?”

“Thanks, John. Now onto tonight’s International Focus: The Crisis in Darfur. Unfortunately, the crisis continues and shows no signs of abating, despite a glaring lack of media coverage. Indeed, crisis experts are correlating the lack of media coverage with the continuance of the crisis. So, to remedy that, Channel 7’s News or Lose! has decided to devote five minutes per broadcast - that’s 10 minutes a day - for the next week, to the crisis in Darfur.

“For tonight’s focus, Channel 7’s News or Lose! team interviews the main anchor of Channel 11’s Newsy News on ITS glaring lack of Darfur coverage.

“Hi Shenequa, Mike Major here, token white male anchor at Channel 11’s Newsy News. It’s true that the media have failed the people of Darfur. We have spent too much time focusing on inane trivialities such as the new Mega-Mall opening down the street - and, let’s face it, it IS a cool mall; just yesterday I was there with my kids, and they even had an Abercrombie and Fitch for CHILDREN, if you can believe it - but anyway, yes, my point is that the people of Darfur are suffering, and we the media have a responsibility to cover it.”

“Thanks Mike. Did you get your smart double-breasted suit at the new mall?”

“Why yes, Shenequa, I did. And I have great news for YOU: the Mega-Mall has a salon that specializes in treating the hair of multi-ethnic women such as yourself. The owner is an Uzbek-Korean-Jamaican and she has JUST the right color highlights for your totally crunk afro-weave.”

“Smashing, Mike, and it’s a pleasure, as always, to talk with a vapid competing anchor on an even more superficial news network.”

“Coming up: Our relationship expert gives newlyweds some salient advice about how to combine bank accounts without losing your financial identity.”

“But now, let’s have another look at weather. And for a more in-depth approach to meterological matters, we turn to Breezy Brad Braddock! Brad?”

“Thanks, Shenequa. Tomorrow morning, it looks like we’re really going to be facing an epidemic of dew...”