Submission guidelines

ATTENTION: As of September 1st, 2014, Clockwise Cat now has its own domain, hence a new site: www.clockwisecat.com. This site is now archive, so please steer yer browsers to the above addy for the latest and greatest. Spanks for supporting The Feline Times!

Clockwise Cat is a progressive literary webzine appearing seasonally that features poetry, polemics, satire, and reviews.

PLEASE NOTE: LATELY WE HAVE RECEIVED TOO MANY SUBMISSIONS THAT FAIL TO ADHERE TO THE GUIDELINES. WE HAVE BEEN FAIRLY FORGIVING ABOUT THIS, BUT NO MORE; WE HAVE REACHED OUR THRESHOLD OF EXASPERATION. IF YOU DO NOT FOLLOW GUIDELINES, YOUR SUBMISSION WILL BE DELETED WITHOUT WARNING. YES, WE KNOW THE GUIDELINES ARE LONG - THE EDITOR IS A LOQUACIOUS FOOL - BUT JUST DO YOUR FREAKIN' HOMEWORK AND QUIT YER BITCH-FEST, YOU WHINY, OVER-CODDLED BRAT!

Writer/Editor Jim Harrington interviewed webzine editors about their submissions guidelines. Here is my interview, which may give you some insights into my editing and publishing process:

Six Questions for Alison Ross

Editor Laura Roberts at Black Heart Magazine also interviewed me, which may give you further insight into Clocky Kitty:

An Interview with Clockwise Cat Editor Alison Ross

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO (OR ADON'T), THE ACTUAL SUBMISSION GUIDELINES:

Rule #1: Please peruse previous issues to get an idea as to what Clockwise Cat is looking for content-wise, and style-wise.

Rule #2: Please adhere to the following guidelines. Failure to do so will earn you a cyber-spanking, plus DISQUALIFICATION FROM CONSIDERATION. Banishment from the universe will also be contemplated if your guideline violations are particularly egregious. (We do realize, of course, that you may perversely revel in spankings, cyber-wise and otherwise, in which case we must banish you from the universe for being such a kinky creep. On the other hand, we kind of revel in a little spanky-panky ourselves, so HEY.)

POETRY:

Clockwise Cat prefers to receive poetry that is in some way akin to the Symbolist, Dadaist, Surrealist, Beat, spoken word, and experimental genres. However, we will regard all well-crafted submissions that somehow flout conventions. (In other words, if your poem is in any way "academic" in style, it better damn well be imaginatively academic - and of course, that's a rather oxymoronic qualification. But, of course, anything is possible, so don't be shy if you think your piece fits the style and purview of the magazine.)

Quantity and length: Please submit no more than TWO (DOS, DEUX, ZWEI) poems of reasonable length.

REVIEWS:

When submitting book, music, and movie reviews, be reminded that we prefer reviews of books and films that are progressive in theme or in style and of music that is forward-looking rather than that which uninspiringly retreads past styles. Again, use your best judgment in this regard, for we’ll certainly use ours. Please note that your review does NOT have to be about a recently released book, movie, or CD. Your may review something that was released years, or even decades, or even centuries, ago. Reviews of books, movies and music that you read/saw/heard in the future when you time-traveled/hallucinated last week are not acceptable, however, although we may change our mind on this.

Quantity and length: Please submit up to TWO reviews of no more than around 1,500 words.

POLEMICS:

Political rants and polemics should be progressive in spirit. Obviously the term “progressive” is subject to ambiguous interpretation, and we certainly don’t want to dissuade disparate viewpoints. Just use your best judgment and we’ll use ours. Typically, we like rants that are anti-imperialistic in flavor, but they must be well-written and serve a point beyond just taking the government to task. SAY something of substance - don't just whine and snivel like the spoiled American brat that you are. (You might be a brat of a different nationality, of course, which is entirely acceptable. We are not xenophobic freaks and have published rants about corrupt governments around the world. Tyranny knows no bounds...)

Also, while the magazine bluntly espouses progressive viewpoints, Clockwise Cat prefers that your submitted pieces not be mere ideological liberal claptrap; if you disagree with a typical "lefty" viewpoint, say so. Don't just blindly follow for fear of betraying your fellow smelly, pot-toking, free-love brothers and sisters. Be a critical thinker for once in your pathetic, welfare-moocher exisence.

Quantity and length: Please submit up to TWO polemics of no more than around 1,500 words.

SATIRE:

Clockwise Cat believes that satire is the most elevated form of art and political dissent. To that end, the Cat eagerly encourages you to submit your searing satirical pieces. Put that Swiftian wit and Voltairian venom to pointed purpose. Some of the luscious lampoonery that Clockwise Cat relishes includes just about anything by Vonnegut, Voltaire's "Candide," Swift's "Modest Proposal," Twain's "The Damned Human Race," Kubrick's "Dr. Strangelove," the TV shows, "The Colbert Report," "The Simpsons," and "Family Guy," the movies "Borat," "Office Space," and "Idiocracy," and the political cartoon, "This Modern World."

Quantity and length: Please submit up to TWO pieces of POLITICAL satire of no more than around 1,500 words.

MISCELLANEOUS:

Please submit a brief THIRD-PERSON biography of yourself as well. The bio can include previous publication information, links to your website, and any other interesting tidbits you'd like us to know.

Please, NO simultaneous submissions of poetry. Simultaneous submissions of reviews, polemics and satire are fine; just let us know of the fact.

Previously published poetry IS accepted, however; just let us know where your piece originally appeared. This is the case for reviews, polemics and satire as well.

Multiple submissions (submissions in different genres) ARE acceptable, and in fact, FUN!

Please note that we do NOT accept revised versions of your work once it is accepted. We are not a writing workshop; we are a magazine! DUH!

(Oh, and a cover letter is always nice. It doesn't have to be long (in fact we prefer it not to be - just cuz I ramble into infinity does not mean you have the license to emulate me), but I find it ODD and RUDE when people submit writing without at least introducing themselves. I mean, would you walk into the office of someone you don't know and just start blabbing about your life, or would you perhaps introduce yourself first? Exactly.)

(Also, and this is a NEW guideline: We will NOT be honoring any more requests to remove a piece at a later date. We will only honor requests for name changes - say, your real name to a pseudonym. So, be forewarned of this. If you think you might not get a future job offer because of the profane piece you published here at Clockwise Cat two years ago, well, then maybe you should be using a pseudonym to begin with, you pervert. Also, we will only honor the request to change your name ONCE. If you want to change it BACK to your real name because suddenly you grew balls/ovaries and don't care whether you get that joke of a generic job in that corporate low-wage hellhole, that's tough she-ite. Ain't nobody got time for vacillations.)

(Oh, and if you are a rude, sexist asshole to me, you will be deleted, on the spot, no further discussion, nice knowin' ya (not really), and don't let the Iron Doors of Doom slam your flabby ass on the way out, you misogynist prick. And if you are a rude bitch, same goes. In fact, if you are rude to an EDITOR, SOMEONE WHO IS PUBLISHING YOUR WORK, then you don't really deserve to be called a writer, so go find another hobby, or better yet, another planet. Thanks in advance.)

Please send all submissions to Publisher/Editor Alison Ross at Fleurdumal666@gmail.com. Please paste your submissions into the body of your e-mail OR attach it to a MS Word Document. Write "Submission - Genre" in your subject line. Note that this doesn't mean you actually write "Submission - Genre" in the e-mail subject line, but that you SPECIFY the actual genre - i.e., poetry, review, polemic, satire. As an example, for a poetry submission, write "Submission - POETRY" - but without the quotation marks.

(We didn't think we'd have to explain this part of the guidelines in such excruciating detail, but trust me - we do. Yup.)

We will try to respond to everyone within to two to three weeks, usually sooner. Please be patient. We do intend to respond to everyone, regardless of acceptance. We're of the mindset that EVERYONE deserves a response within a REASONABLE amount of time. IF YOU DON'T HEAR FROM US WITHIN FOUR WEEKS, PLEASE INQUIRE AGAIN.

Obviously, we are not a paying market, but the psychological rewards are nonetheless manifold. (That is, Clockwise Cat kicks ass, and you're lucky to be published here. (Okay, not really.) (Okay, yes, really.) (Hubris RULES!)

Legal Notification:

Upon publication in Clockwise Cat, all rights revert to the author. However, Clockwise Cat reserves the right to archive the submitted material online. Clockwise Cat also reserves the right to publish your submitted material in any print versions of the magazine, should they ever materialize, which is highly unlikely at this point, but nonetheless a possibility, cuz we love to dream.